The Last Night!

I hate packing for trips.

Which is the reason why I've stopped midway and decided to blog. :]

But I think all this preparation stuff is started to make me realize that

i'm going to Africa tomorrow.

tomorrow.

And the nervous, exciting, and apprehensive feelings are now coursing through my veins.

Nonetheless, I am ready (as much as possible) for all that God has in store for my beautiful team.

I'm ready for God to refine me, remind me, use me, break me, and love me on this trip.

And I pray that he will do the same for every other person on this trip.

I don't know how much internet access I'll have these next three weeks (if anything, I'll only have it the first week and none after); but keep checking in and I'll try to update when I can.

One more thing...pray for us!!

- As with any missional experience, a spiritual war is being fought. Please pray for protection, physically and especially spiritually.

- vulnerability and openness within the team as it grows together.

- that those who go on this trip will be transformed, that our eyes would be open, and that we would see more of God's love and heart for the people in this world

- that those to whom we are sent will also understand more of God's love for them through the community of believers that transcends physical boundaries

- our families! (especially parents, we all know that they're even more nervous than we are!)

- thank God with us, that we all are getting the chance to participate (whether through going or support) in spreading His kingdom and love!

God Bless!

I Left My Heart In ...Africa?

This Sunday,

I'm going back for that heart I left in Africa.

To be honest, I haven't thought much about the trip as much as I should have been. I used one of those, "Oh when I get done with this, then I'll do that," kind of excuses. It's just that now there's little time left to do that.

Instead, I've been thinking about how blessed I've been this past semester (which isn't a bad way to spend my time!). When people ask me how my first semester at Berkeley was, I immediately respond with something like "Great! God blessed me so much this past semester and I absolutely loved it!"

...but today I wondered WHY.

Why did HE bless me with such a good first semester experience?

As I waited for my plane ride home today, I read these verses:

But let justice roll down like waters,

and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

Amos 5:24

You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.

If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry."

- Exodus 22:22-23

And I read this in Rob Bell's book Jesus Wants to Save Christians:

"God always hears the cry of the oppressed. God cares about human suffering and the conditions that cause it. God is searching for a body, a community of people to care for the things God cares about. God gives power and blessing so that justice and righteousness will be upheld for those who are denied them."

I remember my trip last year to Africa, and more specifically our short time at the Missionaries of Charity in Kenya. That day, I played with mentally and physically handicapped orphans. I held babies that were left abandoned on the doorstep of that gated community. I remember how they cried whenever we put them down, because they just wanted to be held, to be loved. I can still hear them crying.

And I remember my anger rising at how wrong that whole situation seemed;

I remember my heart breaking for these beautiful creations of GOD.

As stretching as it might sound to you,

THIS was why I was blessed by GOD this past semester.

I was blessed so that GOD could remind me why HE has given me a heart for Africa.

Not because, by my going over there, I can rid the place of injustice and human suffering. Not because my short-term missions trip is going to create some everlasting change. (On the contrary, there are millions of people - Christian or not - who go to Africa and do much more for much longer than I will be doing.)

But because I am part of that community for which God is searching. I am one of those people who is called to care for the things God cares about.

Because I am part of the body of Christ.

And you are too.

And because, by telling you my experiences there,

You will become angry too.

Your heart will break as well.

And through us and the rest of God's community,

we can let justice roll and righteousness flow.

How absolutely powerful.

Writing

is cathartic.

Exactly why I've seen significantly less blog, twitter, and tumblr updates since school let out.

=)

And so...

I am done with my first year in college.

Whew.

I don't know how I feel about it.

So more to come later...

The FINALe.

I finished my first real college final today.

Psychology. My major.

Alright on the first midterm, horrible on the second, ehh on the paper.

In other words, I needed to Ace this one.

You'd think I'd study harder than I actually did, considering the gravitas of the situation in which I placed myself.

Buuut I didn't.

And although I recognize I should've disciplined myself more, cracked down, and started studying, I don't regret what I did with my time (that is, hanging out with the people I won't be seeing come May 29th until school starts...well, that's a lie cause you're all coming to visit! ...right?! =/)

Regardless of how well I did, I should be taking comfort in the fact that the final is over, the class is done with, and I can move on.

I should be happy it's over.

But I'm not.

And it's not because I didn't study.

It's not because I didn't do as well as I'd hoped.

No.

It's because it reminds me that my freshman year is basically over.

And I've realized

- that I'm still a little indignant that I was a spring admit, and I didn't get that first semester here that everyone else did with each other. That this semester just flew by...

- that next year is coming. As much excitement as living in a new apartment with three amazing people is going to be, and as honoring as it is to be serving in Intervarsity, there's still the fact that friendships will be lost (as well as strengthened) during that year, classes will be harder, and I will basically have no time for anything.

- that I'm already done with 1/4 of my college experience. And yes, I know, I still have three more years, but before we know it we're going to graduate. It's true!

In any case, I'm not ready for the change ahead of me.

I don't know the path God will be taking me on this next year.

But that's ok;

Because I don't need to know the way,

if I stay close to the One who does.

(Don't) Use Me.

I often pray for God to use me in whatever way He desires,

for Him to give me opportunities to express His love,

people with whom I can just help, and serve, and love.

But when those chances come, I often shy away.

I get scared, intimidated, afraid.

WHY?

I really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Today as I was ordering food, I noticed a blind man sitting by himself, struggling to eat.

I so desired just to sit across from him and talk to him.

Just to sit across from Him and talk to Him.

And yet I stopped myself. Why? I don't know.

So I sat away from him. From Him.

Because, for some reason, I was scared, intimidated, and afraid.

As I waited at the counter for my number to be called,

he slowly made his way next to me, intending to ask the cashier for something.

For the longest time, we stood beside each other. Waiting.

Finally, I turned to him to ask him what he needed...

And then turned away.

Twice.

I did end up asking him what he wanted and helped him out,

but as soon as my "deed" was done I walked out

and went straight back to my room.

Why was I afraid to sit and talk with him? With Him?

What was keeping me?

What continues to prevent me?

Why?

I just really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Short and Sweet.

i absolutely lovelovelove my UNITONESMALLGROUP.

they have been a tremendous blessing this last semester,

and i am more than grateful to GOD for giving me the chance

to meet HIS beautiful creations,

and through them

HIM.

BUT i will reflect more later.

final paper, here i come. :]

Faith Despite Fear.

Let ALL things their Creator bless

And worship Him in humbleness

OH PRAISE HIM

ALLELUIA.

Despite my current fears about grades,

frustrations with myself this past semester,

worries about the relationships in my life,

I am INCREDIBLY thankful to God,

For HE has blessed me with the ability to still worship him.

Take my fret, take my fear

ALL I have, I'm leaving here.

And I will worship YOU LORD

ONLY YOU LORD.

God is good.

I am a horrible person;

undeserving of anything,

unconfident in my abilities,

immature, inconsistent, indecisive.

Inandof myself, I am worthless.

So why am I HAPPY?

Because GOD gives me worth.

Because GOD has given me such a blessed life.

And because all of the crap inside me

doesn't matter to GOD.

Text Message!

I absolutely love getting text messages like this:

(I know, it's a little late. But nonetheless uplifting!)

God never ceases to remind me how much He has blessed me with the greatest friends.

Apartment!

Today my future apartmentmates and I signed for our VERY FIRST APARTMENT!

That's right. We officially have a place to live!!!

After months of waiting on a crappy property owner (who ended up telling us of our slim chance of getting our desired apartment)

God's amazing grace got us an apartment. =)

And as I reflect on what exactly renting our own place to live means,

I realize...I am an adult now.

Well. That's technically not true...

But we are going to be living in our own place

OUR PLACE.

Where we keep track of bills, each other, food, etc.

I'm turning nineteen this year.

---I remember wanting to be sixteen.

I'm in college.

at Berkeley.

I (through God) finally made it.

It's so weird.

Despite my excitement,

I think I'm having a little trouble embracing it.

Bittersweet weekend.

I am really, really bummed that I missed CCF this weekend for TWO reasons:

1. I was looking forward to the speaker;

2. My UCMerced homeskillets came !!!!

Oh man. But at least I wasn't the only one who didn't like that I was M.I.A. In fact, my fellow SUPer just told me:

JS and I have a relationship that facebook would call "it's complicated."

BUT on the bright side:

I got to spend a lovely weekend out on a a secluded, far away from civilization ranch out in King City with my sorority. LOVELOVELOVE them!

PS. this was a quick post...because now I am off to fill an APARTMENT application. wow, I guess I really am growing up....

Elizabeth.

Quiet; shy.

The Little Girl with no smile on her face as I walked by. This Little Girl caught my attention, and I don't know why.

Movement; interaction.

This Little Girl had a smile on her face, for the things she did created a reaction. I didn't react to her actions; I simply wondered...why?

Different; changed.

Her mom drove up and this Little Girl was no longer the same. The pent-up anger pushed forth from this Little Girl's frame, and she screamed words so profane that I...cried.

I cried for the Little Girl with the pain in her eyes,

the pain so prevalent, so relevant

to so many who did not understand God's plan

for their situation.

For this Little Girl was just one grain on a beach of

unnoticed, uncared for sand

in a unnoticing, uncaring population.

Breathe; sigh.

Because it is for those in the world who live like this Little Girl

that Jesus came to restore, deliver, and die.

At the Big "C".

One tear.

FORCED.

Because "it's better to cry than hold it in."

But what was I crying about?

One more tear.

Still PUSHING.

Because I have no confidence in me. Because I hate me.

But what is it about me that I doubt?

More tears.

Flowing.

Because I hate that I hate me.

While the rest of the world boxes

more serious bouts.

And so I step Back. go Back. and Remember.

That although my life is a mess, it is truly blessed.

and I go through these tests to persevere, to learn, to overcome fear.

...to rest... here... in. God's. presence.

That I don't live in the past but the present --

In the presence of a FORCE that pushes past

my anger, my hurt, my tears

and gently whispers in my ear that HE IS NEAR.

One last tear.

Simple.

Because, in the end, I know I live a good life.

And I know Who my life is all about.

Pokemon.

Two random people on separate occasions took pictures of me today while I was studying under a tree. Jenna now believes I am a part of pokemon snap.

this or that?

i don't understand why i let indecision take over my life.

I live nowhere.

I am stuck between two worlds.

Between the world where everyone knew me and understood me. The world where I had no trouble being myself. The world where I connected through deep, meaningful relationships, not just fun and laughter. The world where I was comfortable. The world where I didn't have to hold back who I was. I was genuine. Things were genuine.

And the world I am in now.

I love myself?

This past weekend, I worked really hard on a Psych paper that's due Thursday, March 4th.

As in, I spent hours trying to find the right paper topic, read through it a couple times, and cleared my schedule for the entire week just so that I could have time to write this three-page, single-spaced, 11 pt. font paper. (why can't we just do MLA formatting? stupid.)

And in the bathroom, as I was getting ready for bed, I asked a floormate/psych classmate how her paper was going... annd she freaked out because she didn't know it was due Thursday, March 4th. So she ran to her room, grabbed her computer, and searched for the syllabus, which read:

as in APRIL 29TH.

as in 1 MONTH and 28 DAYS FROM NOW.

oh, how embarrassing that was.

but that's not what sparked his post.

what did was the fact that,

instead of my breathing a sigh of relief,

i became angry with myself

instead of being happy that i have a relatively free week to do whatever i wanted,

i was pissed at how stupid i was.

WHY?

why did i react this way?

why am i so hard on myself? am i too hard on myself?

lately, I've been trying to figure out the line between humility and self-degradation. and in doing so, my realization that i am absolutely nothing without God has become so deep that I've actually started to hate myself. i figured that, if i loved myself, i would become vain, superficial and arrogant.

to love only God meant to love nothing else ...including me.

in a desire not to be prideful, I have renounced the love of myself that i should have because I am a creation of God. i have forgotten i should love myself, not for myself but because God made me. in that regard St. Augustine writes,

"But no one ought to enjoy himself either, if you observe the matter closely, because he should not love himself on account of himself but on account of Him who is to be enjoyed. For he is the best man who turns his whole live toward the immutable life and adheres to it with all his affection." - On Christian Doctrine

i failed to understand that to love myself simply because God made me and I am His creation IS to love God.

For lack of a better post.

i wanted to post something uplifting to everyone,

but i couldn't think of anything.

so here you go instead:

HAAA.

This would have been super awkward

if it was written by anyone else than the one who wrote it.

Paul's Words

I can only hope someone can say this to me:

"I said before that you are in our hearts,

and we live or die together with you.

I have the highest confidence in you,

and I take great pride in you.

You have greatly encouraged me

and made me happy despite all our troubles."

- II Corinthians 7:3b-4.