Looking for God, Refusing Jesus.

I need repentance and forgiveness.

Today, as passed by the gas station on my way to church, I slid my credit card at the gas station to fill up my blue VW car and saw an old man out of the corner of my eye.

A dirty, old homeless man fishing through the trash cans in hopes of finding ...anything.

Today, as I thought about what was going to happen at the new year's church service tonight, an unkempt, dirty, old homeless man asked me to spare a quarter.

I quickly apologized and told him I was out of change.

Today, as I hastily returned the pump and walked to my front door so I could get to church on time, the poor and unkempt, dirty and old homeless man asked me once more for ...anything.

A "sorry, no" instantaneously flew from my lips as I drove off, hearing his "that's ok! God bless you" response trail off.

Today, as I was preoccupied with how I would meet God at church, it didn't occur to me that I refused Jesus at the gas station.

God, I pray for your forgiveness. And that you would continue to open my eyes to YOU.

"Then the King will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me...I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did not do for me." - Matt. 25: 41-43; 45.

"So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him." - Matt. 24:44

"But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." - Luke 14:13-14.

"Yet for your sakes he became poor." - II Cor. 8:9.

"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing." - John 14:12

College.

I'm ready.

To start anew, be challenged, bring change. To have fun, be an adult, be a college-aged kid, and be responsible. To meet people, be poured into, and pour into new people. To work, hard.

And I'm not.

i'm slightly scared out of my wits at the thought of an entirely new group of friends, leaving what i've known for the past eighteen years, at not belonging, at being challenged with things in which i'm sure to fail, and be transformed into someone my "old" friends don't recognize, or even more, don't like.

Oh, how invigoratingly scary transition and change can be.

Christmas time.

Every year, I struggle with how materialistic the world has transformed Christmas.

...Don't get me wrong. I love how b-e-a-utiful the city becomes around December and how happy my little cousins get when they open up their gifts. But I still fail to see the actual importance of it all.

Yet more than the superficial, watered-down Christmas, I am tired of the cliche Christmas Sunday sermons that preach essentially the same theme: "Jesus is the reason for the Season."

As if now is the time we should remember the importance of His birth, now is the time to celebrate His coming, now is the time to be joyful that we are surely saved.

And as if every other time of the year isn't.

Lead me to the cross.

Every other week or so, a random song grabs my attention.

And in my current struggles, frustrations, and questions with the call to discipleship,

Here's the one that is constantly speaking to me now:

Paradox.

It's weird:

to develop that fruit of the Spirit which is called self-control

and yet ask God to take control.

Plain and Simple:

I pray that God would use me

to comfort the afflicted,

and afflict the comfortable.

trans.for.ma.tion:

-noun: change in form, appearance, nature, or character.

I recently came home from another retreat.

But unlike most of the others I’ve been to, I knew this one would stick.

I’m still processing what exactly happened this weekend. But one thing I do know: the tears, the anger, the joy, the fear, the love, and the ultimate call that I felt has stirred in me something so life-changing, so transforming,

I have no choice but to move on from belief to discipleship,

To “throw off everything that hinders,”

To “run with perseverance the race marked out for [me].”

To “fix my eyes on Jesus.”

Hebrews 12.

Christian math.

I have recently come to the conclusion that the amount of my faith, if faith could even be measured, does not exist in proportion to my doubts.

That the more faith I have in what I believe does not mean the less doubts and questions that will arise in the future.

And, in relation, the more uncertainties that arise in my human, fallible and un-omniscient mind, is not reason to suggest I am losing faith in what I am certain of.

Because the definition of faith is "a simple trust in the Providence of God."

And the purpose of questioning and doubting is

to gain a deeper reverence for the character of God,

to obtain a greater understanding of yourself,

to reach a more enlightening conclusion about something,

essentially, to find the Truth.

But to place faith and doubt on the same platform would be to erroneously equate them. For in no way does what come from fallible creatures (doubt) balance that which is given by the infallible God (faith).

And to believe that, because I have faith, I will no longer doubt is just as grave a mistake.

Luke 17:5,6:

The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

A simple trust; a complex concept.