What Am I Doing Here?

God, show me why I am here.

And as I take this month-long break
from the reality of school, small group leading,
from my solid Christian community back at home up north,

May you challenge me not to take a break from YOU.

Remind me that my present surroundings
should not define my attitude towards you and others,
will not inhibit my desire for more of you,
cannot give me cause to pursue you less,
and does not shape how you have been molding me already.

Forgive me for thinking that waiting on you
somehow meant sitting idly by,
counting down the days till I returned to good community,
believing that you could not renew this spiritually dry desert.

For you breathe life into dry bones,
You bring what is dead back to life.

And I KNOW that you are GOD.

And thank you for seeing this struggle
And refusing to let it go.


This is my prayer in the desert,
and all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides.

If there's something continuous that I recognize whenever I return to Socal,

it's the apparent and undesired dichotomy

between who I am in Berkeley

and who I am in Pasadena.

Between the woman into whom God is molding me,

and reverting back to the old ways of mine.

And this short Thanksgiving break was no exception.

Is it even possible for these such highly contrasting worlds to become homogenous?

Or better yet, how do I at the very least reconcile them?

slipping

a rock.
a massive, unshakeable, firm, rock.

covered in slime, muck, and moss.
slippery, wet.

i'm climbing that rock.
--or, at least, attempting to.

but i falter.
flounder.

i get a grasp, but not for too long before i start slipping again.
i try, but i guess i'm not good enough.

why am i not as scared as i should be?
why don't i care anymore?
...have i ever?

why don't i care about my future?
about how my present actions affect tomorrow?
when did this "oh, i'll do better next time" mentality arise?
and what if there isn't a next time?

oh Lord Jesus help me.

Shalom?

God, may I never forget

your goodness, your grace, and your unceasing love for me.

Thank you for your unwavering faithfulness in my life,

despite my doubt and anger that "this is not the way things should be."

Forgive me, for when the world is pushing me down

I lose sight of finding joy in your mercy.

And because I do not understand at times,

I pray for your peace that will transcend it all

That will guard my heart and my mind in Your name.

So I lay my burdens down,

my schoolwork, my family, my relationships,

and PRAISE BE TO GOD!, for you bear what I cannot.

You WILL work these burdens out for good because you LOVELOVELOVE me

and I hope for the day Your shalom redeems the broken things in this world.

...and brings back "the way things ought to be."

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. - Romans 8:28

I love when God pops Bible verses into your head the moments you need them the most.

Repentance.

I love when God convicts you with the things you were unaware of before.

Like my prayer life.

My prayer life is full

with God-thank-you's,

with God-You-are's,

of concern and fear,

with my desires,

with God-will-you's,

of intercession,

of please-help-him/her,

...but do I lead a life that also prays of repentance?

That helplessly, humbly cries

God, I'm sorry.

God, forgive me.

God, show me how I am broken.

God, bring to light the areas in me that need Your forgiveness.

Do I?

the truth is, I don't.

So God, I'm sorry...

Where did my life go?

I'm currently sitting in Unit 2, doing homework (well, sorta) while waiting for this weekend's Devo Retreat (with my sorority) to happen.

And the thought that keeps recurring in my mind:

this is my life now.

But wait.

...this is my life now?

Since when? When did my life become about these things, about going and doing?

When did my life stop revolving around my God?

Please forgive me,

for I have forgotten what it means to live for You.

I have so easily and once again fallen into the trap of doing without remembering why.

And thank You.

Thank You for reminding me.

And for remembering me when I don't remember You.

i did it

and i don't regret it. :]

http://idiesto.tumblr.com/

Don't worry, I'll still maintain my allegiance to blogger.

40 Days.

things are starting to change around here,

and i LOVE it.

goodbye, daily facebook checkups.

goodbye, anything luxuriously edible.

goodbye, failing grades and lack of discipline.

goodbye, apathy, fear, indolence, and timidity.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and self-discipline."

II Timothy 1:7

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives and

release from darkness for the prisoners."

Isaiah 61:1

hello, forty days of fasting and earnestly seeking God's revival.

hello, revival at University of California Berkeley. :)

hello, revival in me.

I miss Sam!

Me: they're going to be a power couple!

Sam: I reserved one of their babies for my baby

Sam: dibbsies

Aloooooha.

This past week in Hawaii has been...

well, I can't really say. The rich and glamorized setting, which reminded me of an upscale Philippines (minus the bugs and add a plethora of diverse people), just thirsted for green dollar bills held by unknowing rich tourists. Everywhere I went, there was stuff to buy, and it was expensive. There were things to do, but not without spending money first.

And I found myself asking, “Why am I here? How have I so easily fallen into this trap that, 'it's a vacation, so spend because this chance doesn't come often?' I could have spent this time and money in Africa, helping people who don't have the chance to do this.”

Inasmuch as it angers me that I have fallen prey to the consumerism and superficiality on which this world feeds, I sat on the hot beach a few days ago lost in thought. And while trying to keep off the sand that burned my feet every time I stepped outside the safety of my blue towel, I heard God telling me to “look.”

Look out at the entrancing ocean and gorgeous beach I have created for you to enjoy, and to thank me for. Why would I have created this place if not for you to enjoy and rule over? (Which gets me thinking, God's decision to allow man to rule over everything has gone terribly, terribly overboard. Having to spend money to go to the beach? What is that!).

Look out at the hundreds of people, all different, all beautiful and hand-made by me, for you to interact with and get to know.

Look at your family. Your broken, broken family, whom I am forcing you to spend time with. I took you out of a place where you cannot hide behind the walls of your room, into a land where my blessings, my beauty, my glory rain down... so that something can happen within you and your family.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not making any excuses for or attempting to justify spending that much money to do all this stuff. In fact, the trek to find something to do every day that week has left me disappointed with myself and unsatisfied... and I hate the fact that everywhere I looked, there was something to buy. It bothered me that people chose to spend time shopping at the Coach store or the Uggs store (really, in Hawaii? Are Uggs necessary?) rather than sitting out and enjoying God's creation. But that happens everywhere; whether I am sitting on a beach in Hawaii or driving around in LA.

So where is this post going? I have no idea. My thoughts are jumbled...ehh, I need a vacation.

An Extroverted Explanation.

I've lately been recognizing the diversity of life with which God has blessed me.

My summer has been constantly filled with meeting different people. People, people, people.

People I haven't seen in a year (or years!),

People I have so desperately wanted to catch up with,

People I have had the privilege of meeting for the first time,

People I have missed while I was in college,

People in college whom I have missed while I've been home.

As I looked through my calendar and, for a lack of better wording, a checklist of people I intend(ed) to get together with this summer, a few re-occuring comments about how I choose to spend my time resurfaced. One of the most true and challenging? That I have a lot of friends, and sometimes I spread myself too thin wanting to hang out with them all.

Yes, true. To an extent, there is only so much time and I have to choose wisely who I spend it with. (And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "hold on to every single person you meet"...sometimes the most memorable experiences are ones that can never happen again.) But on the other hand, I asked God what He desired for me through all these relationships. Not just with each person individually, but overall... in other words: why did God put so many people in my life?

And I heard Him say, "Because they're all different, and you need to learn from them."

And I need to be reminded of how gorgeous diversity is,

That is it not something to be generalized and overlooked, but realized and embraced.

And paradoxically, something in which any two people find common ground to connect.

Even more,

I can see how God is preparing my heart for my future as a small group leader,

how the plethora of people, beliefs, and struggles I will soon encounter

is not something to overlook but welcome,

something that results in common ground not ignored differences.

I find happiness knowing I'm hanging out with this person and that completely different person at the same time;

I see beauty in sitting between the traditionalist and raging progressive, waiting till they find something they agree on;

I feel God uniting the Buddhist and the Christian as I listen to their hearts for social justice;

I love that God is teaching me through the smoker, the drunkard, the liberal, the pastor, the atheist, and whatever label anyone can put on all my friends.

God has blessed me with a beautiful life, wondrous people, and endless blessings. And no matter what hell lives on around me, what struggles bring me down, or what sorrows break my heart, I choose to find rest in the fact that He has a great plan.

A Rock in this Hard Place.

There are a lot of things that constantly swim around in my mind.

Things on repeat.

Things I've constantly had to deal with.

Over, and over, and over again.

And my mind is indecisive. Stuck

Between the idea that

"I may very well have to deal with this for the rest of my life

and I need to be ok knowing that

there are things that will just never change, or be fixed."

and the idea that

"if I just be patient, and wait, and hope,

the storm will eventually pass;

I will get through this."

But GOD,

as I pray for understanding

I WILL give you THANKS

because I am still blessed

I WILL hold on to You

because YOU are YOU

and I am simply not.

and maybe I just need a change in focus;

from the self-depricating thoughts that

I keep failing and failing,

to the uplifting, encouraging realizations that

You continuously give me another chance

so thank you for your peace

that passes all understanding.

The Next Marie Digby

(except I don't intend on dropping out of Berkeley).

yesterday marks the start of a new hobby:

guitar.

too bad i started so late,

especially because in about a month i'll be traveling back up north for school,

which will be full of school, homework, small group leading, sorority attending,

and less of alone time, that much needed r&r time,

and to now add to the list, practice time!

that and i don't have a guitar with which to practice.

sad times.

but i'm here for 5 more weeks

minus that week in berkeley

and that week in hawaii

so let the finger pains begin!

It's hard, but

I must strive to see Jesus in every person.

Defy it

with love.

"As we read the Gospels, we find Jesus' message putting him more and more in conflict with the religious and political leaders of his day. He's threatening their power. This is what loves does, it threatens the empires of power and control and wealth and manipulation."

- Rob Bell, Sex God

A Spiritual Desert

at home?

Every time I come back,

whenever I'm here,

in this place, this setting,

something happens in me.

And I regress.

Irritated, indifferent, insensitive.

I change. Or maybe it seems

Like God isn't changing me?

I know that my spiritual walk

should not be affected

by my current physical settings,

by any location, place, or whathaveme.

But when I'm back here

something happens in me.

This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry...

And this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain.

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames.

I will bring praise; I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain.

I will rejoice; I will declare

God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life in every season, You are still God

I have a reason to sing; I have a reason to worship.

The Aftermath.

It's hard to be back here.

Almost too hard.

Journaling from Menotitolai's land.

Soo...we just returned from Maasai land.
(PS. Menotitolai is just about hte coolest Maasai person you'll ever meet. He also stole my sunglasses.)

And I'm late for breakfast, so I have to make this one quick and just update a little of my journal entries this past week...

June 8 2:20 PM

Last night was such a fruitful night. Sitting back here in the middle of Maasai land has brought back a lot of memories from last year. As I stared up at the star-filled night sky, I was just in awe at God's beautiful creation which enveloped me. I doubt if you can see that many stars anywhere in America. So, so, so beautiful!

I've been hoping on this trip that God would tell me more about my role in Africa, or if there is even to be any. Last year I was rather disappointed when I felt God telling me I was not supposed to be here; maybe it was because my heart and desire to be here weren't in the right place. But coming back, I've wanted so much to be a part of the culture and life God has developed here, a part of the story here that God is creating. As I held the hands of small NYOTA kids within mine, it just ...felt right... I felt a passion to get to really know them, their life, their story, their love...God's love for them. God, give me guidance, that I can understand more of what you want for me.

This morning we traveled to the Maasai school. The same feelings that overwhelmed me last year and caused me to shut down flooded within me again. Nothing in that place had changed. There were craters in the floor, browken windowns, dirt stains coverwing the walls. The blackboard was in such horrible condition that teachers started writing on the walls. What I felt as I walked beside the broken down building was intense sadness, disappointment, and just a feeling of loss. It was rather unexplainable. How do 300 kids fit in a building smaller than my house? How could 3 teachers handle everything? Why does the government not care as much about the welfare of these kids...of their country's future? Regardless, God I know You're there. Because You are EVERYWHERE. You inhabit all places, and Your presence is also here, at this Maasai school. So let Your glory show!

We're on the last leg of the trip...next stop: Missionaries of Charity. This is going to be one of the most intense sites (apparently), so continued prayers on spiritual and physical protection amongst other things. Also, I guess I cam back from the land with a virus (basically a super huge head cold, gross sore throat, and a stomachache that's been 6 days now!)...and there's been a small 24hour bug that's been going around the team, so pray for us!

Hakuna matata!

Maasai!

Hibari Kiferangas! (Literally, "How are you chicks?")

I hope all is well. I wanted to thank you greatly for your prayers and support. The Lord has been so good to us this last week we were here, and we have been so blessed. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers..and continue to do so!

We are off to Maasai Land in about....five minutes ago (hey, it IS Africa time now!).

Here's what they look like, incase you didn't know: http://www.neystadt.org/john/album/Tanzania2003/Natives/DSCN2158-Maasai-Dance.jpg

We are so excited to spend time away from cities (the closest thing to a hospital is a few hours away...so pray that no one gets sick!) and be under the stars listening to the Maasai pastor James speak of his life (demon possessions!).

I'm late so I have to go! But keep us in your prayers! There'll be no outside contact from any of us for a while...but we love you all!

Hakuna mungu kama wewe!

Africa Update #1

HIBARI WAZUNGU! (It means "How are you, foreigners!")

(These are a few of my journal entries...I'm on a time crunch so it'll be quick!)

June 1 - 9:30 AM
The smell that brings me back to Africa a year ago already permeates this airplane. I've been teetering between excitement and apathy all throughout the preparation for this trip, but regardless I am thankful for this opportunity to return and be used once again by God. I think my role for Team Africa has changed dramatically from last year. As I think about how God wants to use me on this trip, my mind returns to the students traveling with us. I feel called not so much to the people of Africa as much as the girls on the team. And the more I think about it, I think God is preparing me for my future as a small group leader at Berkeley next year. I'm a little anxious and don't really know how to approach these students, so I pray that YOU would be my mouthpiece God, and like Moses and Aaron in Exodus, YOU would speak to and through me.

June 3 - 7:35 AM
Sight:
- dry, thirsty land
- crowds of people congregated on the sides of the street, nowhere to go, nothing to do, hungry for food, a home, and a place to belong

Smell:
- exhaust
- smoke from the piles of burned rubbish scattered all throughout the streets, "sidewalks," and ....everywhere.
- body odor of people who have more important things to care about
- dust. everywhere. breathe it in, guys, there's nothing like it!

Taste:
- fish and chicken curry, peppered beef steak, rice, ugali, chipatis, boiled vegetables
- blessings from God

Touch:
- a hard, stiff bed
- shuttle window, constantly opening to let fresh air in and closing to stop the dust from entering our eyes and nostrils

Hear:
- honking of impatient horns
- laughter
- joyful kiswahili conversations
- hillsong, christ tomlin, and all things christian music sounding
- a car alarm at 6 AM...or muslim call to prayer?




Keep praying for us!
- One thing that has been on my mind is unity. This team seems to be a little cliquish, even though there are only 13 of us.
- Safety, spiritually and physically. We have been hearing stories about demon possessions in Maasai land, so pray that our hearts and minds would be on guard.
- that we focus on Jesus! and experience joy and laughter through Him
- we can see more of the world through our brothers and sisters' hearts here in Africa, and through that, we may gain a broader picture of God's hearts for us and the world.


AH! I'm out of time. But be blessed, and we are sososososo thankful that you are taking this adventure along with us. Bwana asifiwe!

The Last Night!

I hate packing for trips.

Which is the reason why I've stopped midway and decided to blog. :]

But I think all this preparation stuff is started to make me realize that

i'm going to Africa tomorrow.

tomorrow.

And the nervous, exciting, and apprehensive feelings are now coursing through my veins.

Nonetheless, I am ready (as much as possible) for all that God has in store for my beautiful team.

I'm ready for God to refine me, remind me, use me, break me, and love me on this trip.

And I pray that he will do the same for every other person on this trip.

I don't know how much internet access I'll have these next three weeks (if anything, I'll only have it the first week and none after); but keep checking in and I'll try to update when I can.

One more thing...pray for us!!

- As with any missional experience, a spiritual war is being fought. Please pray for protection, physically and especially spiritually.

- vulnerability and openness within the team as it grows together.

- that those who go on this trip will be transformed, that our eyes would be open, and that we would see more of God's love and heart for the people in this world

- that those to whom we are sent will also understand more of God's love for them through the community of believers that transcends physical boundaries

- our families! (especially parents, we all know that they're even more nervous than we are!)

- thank God with us, that we all are getting the chance to participate (whether through going or support) in spreading His kingdom and love!

God Bless!

I Left My Heart In ...Africa?

This Sunday,

I'm going back for that heart I left in Africa.

To be honest, I haven't thought much about the trip as much as I should have been. I used one of those, "Oh when I get done with this, then I'll do that," kind of excuses. It's just that now there's little time left to do that.

Instead, I've been thinking about how blessed I've been this past semester (which isn't a bad way to spend my time!). When people ask me how my first semester at Berkeley was, I immediately respond with something like "Great! God blessed me so much this past semester and I absolutely loved it!"

...but today I wondered WHY.

Why did HE bless me with such a good first semester experience?

As I waited for my plane ride home today, I read these verses:

But let justice roll down like waters,

and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

Amos 5:24

You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child.

If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry."

- Exodus 22:22-23

And I read this in Rob Bell's book Jesus Wants to Save Christians:

"God always hears the cry of the oppressed. God cares about human suffering and the conditions that cause it. God is searching for a body, a community of people to care for the things God cares about. God gives power and blessing so that justice and righteousness will be upheld for those who are denied them."

I remember my trip last year to Africa, and more specifically our short time at the Missionaries of Charity in Kenya. That day, I played with mentally and physically handicapped orphans. I held babies that were left abandoned on the doorstep of that gated community. I remember how they cried whenever we put them down, because they just wanted to be held, to be loved. I can still hear them crying.

And I remember my anger rising at how wrong that whole situation seemed;

I remember my heart breaking for these beautiful creations of GOD.

As stretching as it might sound to you,

THIS was why I was blessed by GOD this past semester.

I was blessed so that GOD could remind me why HE has given me a heart for Africa.

Not because, by my going over there, I can rid the place of injustice and human suffering. Not because my short-term missions trip is going to create some everlasting change. (On the contrary, there are millions of people - Christian or not - who go to Africa and do much more for much longer than I will be doing.)

But because I am part of that community for which God is searching. I am one of those people who is called to care for the things God cares about.

Because I am part of the body of Christ.

And you are too.

And because, by telling you my experiences there,

You will become angry too.

Your heart will break as well.

And through us and the rest of God's community,

we can let justice roll and righteousness flow.

How absolutely powerful.

Writing

is cathartic.

Exactly why I've seen significantly less blog, twitter, and tumblr updates since school let out.

=)

And so...

I am done with my first year in college.

Whew.

I don't know how I feel about it.

So more to come later...

The FINALe.

I finished my first real college final today.

Psychology. My major.

Alright on the first midterm, horrible on the second, ehh on the paper.

In other words, I needed to Ace this one.

You'd think I'd study harder than I actually did, considering the gravitas of the situation in which I placed myself.

Buuut I didn't.

And although I recognize I should've disciplined myself more, cracked down, and started studying, I don't regret what I did with my time (that is, hanging out with the people I won't be seeing come May 29th until school starts...well, that's a lie cause you're all coming to visit! ...right?! =/)

Regardless of how well I did, I should be taking comfort in the fact that the final is over, the class is done with, and I can move on.

I should be happy it's over.

But I'm not.

And it's not because I didn't study.

It's not because I didn't do as well as I'd hoped.

No.

It's because it reminds me that my freshman year is basically over.

And I've realized

- that I'm still a little indignant that I was a spring admit, and I didn't get that first semester here that everyone else did with each other. That this semester just flew by...

- that next year is coming. As much excitement as living in a new apartment with three amazing people is going to be, and as honoring as it is to be serving in Intervarsity, there's still the fact that friendships will be lost (as well as strengthened) during that year, classes will be harder, and I will basically have no time for anything.

- that I'm already done with 1/4 of my college experience. And yes, I know, I still have three more years, but before we know it we're going to graduate. It's true!

In any case, I'm not ready for the change ahead of me.

I don't know the path God will be taking me on this next year.

But that's ok;

Because I don't need to know the way,

if I stay close to the One who does.

(Don't) Use Me.

I often pray for God to use me in whatever way He desires,

for Him to give me opportunities to express His love,

people with whom I can just help, and serve, and love.

But when those chances come, I often shy away.

I get scared, intimidated, afraid.

WHY?

I really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Today as I was ordering food, I noticed a blind man sitting by himself, struggling to eat.

I so desired just to sit across from him and talk to him.

Just to sit across from Him and talk to Him.

And yet I stopped myself. Why? I don't know.

So I sat away from him. From Him.

Because, for some reason, I was scared, intimidated, and afraid.

As I waited at the counter for my number to be called,

he slowly made his way next to me, intending to ask the cashier for something.

For the longest time, we stood beside each other. Waiting.

Finally, I turned to him to ask him what he needed...

And then turned away.

Twice.

I did end up asking him what he wanted and helped him out,

but as soon as my "deed" was done I walked out

and went straight back to my room.

Why was I afraid to sit and talk with him? With Him?

What was keeping me?

What continues to prevent me?

Why?

I just really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Short and Sweet.

i absolutely lovelovelove my UNITONESMALLGROUP.

they have been a tremendous blessing this last semester,

and i am more than grateful to GOD for giving me the chance

to meet HIS beautiful creations,

and through them

HIM.

BUT i will reflect more later.

final paper, here i come. :]

Faith Despite Fear.

Let ALL things their Creator bless

And worship Him in humbleness

OH PRAISE HIM

ALLELUIA.

Despite my current fears about grades,

frustrations with myself this past semester,

worries about the relationships in my life,

I am INCREDIBLY thankful to God,

For HE has blessed me with the ability to still worship him.

Take my fret, take my fear

ALL I have, I'm leaving here.

And I will worship YOU LORD

ONLY YOU LORD.

God is good.

I am a horrible person;

undeserving of anything,

unconfident in my abilities,

immature, inconsistent, indecisive.

Inandof myself, I am worthless.

So why am I HAPPY?

Because GOD gives me worth.

Because GOD has given me such a blessed life.

And because all of the crap inside me

doesn't matter to GOD.

Text Message!

I absolutely love getting text messages like this:

(I know, it's a little late. But nonetheless uplifting!)

God never ceases to remind me how much He has blessed me with the greatest friends.

Apartment!

Today my future apartmentmates and I signed for our VERY FIRST APARTMENT!

That's right. We officially have a place to live!!!

After months of waiting on a crappy property owner (who ended up telling us of our slim chance of getting our desired apartment)

God's amazing grace got us an apartment. =)

And as I reflect on what exactly renting our own place to live means,

I realize...I am an adult now.

Well. That's technically not true...

But we are going to be living in our own place

OUR PLACE.

Where we keep track of bills, each other, food, etc.

I'm turning nineteen this year.

---I remember wanting to be sixteen.

I'm in college.

at Berkeley.

I (through God) finally made it.

It's so weird.

Despite my excitement,

I think I'm having a little trouble embracing it.

Bittersweet weekend.

I am really, really bummed that I missed CCF this weekend for TWO reasons:

1. I was looking forward to the speaker;

2. My UCMerced homeskillets came !!!!

Oh man. But at least I wasn't the only one who didn't like that I was M.I.A. In fact, my fellow SUPer just told me:

JS and I have a relationship that facebook would call "it's complicated."

BUT on the bright side:

I got to spend a lovely weekend out on a a secluded, far away from civilization ranch out in King City with my sorority. LOVELOVELOVE them!

PS. this was a quick post...because now I am off to fill an APARTMENT application. wow, I guess I really am growing up....

Elizabeth.

Quiet; shy.

The Little Girl with no smile on her face as I walked by. This Little Girl caught my attention, and I don't know why.

Movement; interaction.

This Little Girl had a smile on her face, for the things she did created a reaction. I didn't react to her actions; I simply wondered...why?

Different; changed.

Her mom drove up and this Little Girl was no longer the same. The pent-up anger pushed forth from this Little Girl's frame, and she screamed words so profane that I...cried.

I cried for the Little Girl with the pain in her eyes,

the pain so prevalent, so relevant

to so many who did not understand God's plan

for their situation.

For this Little Girl was just one grain on a beach of

unnoticed, uncared for sand

in a unnoticing, uncaring population.

Breathe; sigh.

Because it is for those in the world who live like this Little Girl

that Jesus came to restore, deliver, and die.

At the Big "C".

One tear.

FORCED.

Because "it's better to cry than hold it in."

But what was I crying about?

One more tear.

Still PUSHING.

Because I have no confidence in me. Because I hate me.

But what is it about me that I doubt?

More tears.

Flowing.

Because I hate that I hate me.

While the rest of the world boxes

more serious bouts.

And so I step Back. go Back. and Remember.

That although my life is a mess, it is truly blessed.

and I go through these tests to persevere, to learn, to overcome fear.

...to rest... here... in. God's. presence.

That I don't live in the past but the present --

In the presence of a FORCE that pushes past

my anger, my hurt, my tears

and gently whispers in my ear that HE IS NEAR.

One last tear.

Simple.

Because, in the end, I know I live a good life.

And I know Who my life is all about.

Pokemon.

Two random people on separate occasions took pictures of me today while I was studying under a tree. Jenna now believes I am a part of pokemon snap.

this or that?

i don't understand why i let indecision take over my life.

I live nowhere.

I am stuck between two worlds.

Between the world where everyone knew me and understood me. The world where I had no trouble being myself. The world where I connected through deep, meaningful relationships, not just fun and laughter. The world where I was comfortable. The world where I didn't have to hold back who I was. I was genuine. Things were genuine.

And the world I am in now.

I love myself?

This past weekend, I worked really hard on a Psych paper that's due Thursday, March 4th.

As in, I spent hours trying to find the right paper topic, read through it a couple times, and cleared my schedule for the entire week just so that I could have time to write this three-page, single-spaced, 11 pt. font paper. (why can't we just do MLA formatting? stupid.)

And in the bathroom, as I was getting ready for bed, I asked a floormate/psych classmate how her paper was going... annd she freaked out because she didn't know it was due Thursday, March 4th. So she ran to her room, grabbed her computer, and searched for the syllabus, which read:

as in APRIL 29TH.

as in 1 MONTH and 28 DAYS FROM NOW.

oh, how embarrassing that was.

but that's not what sparked his post.

what did was the fact that,

instead of my breathing a sigh of relief,

i became angry with myself

instead of being happy that i have a relatively free week to do whatever i wanted,

i was pissed at how stupid i was.

WHY?

why did i react this way?

why am i so hard on myself? am i too hard on myself?

lately, I've been trying to figure out the line between humility and self-degradation. and in doing so, my realization that i am absolutely nothing without God has become so deep that I've actually started to hate myself. i figured that, if i loved myself, i would become vain, superficial and arrogant.

to love only God meant to love nothing else ...including me.

in a desire not to be prideful, I have renounced the love of myself that i should have because I am a creation of God. i have forgotten i should love myself, not for myself but because God made me. in that regard St. Augustine writes,

"But no one ought to enjoy himself either, if you observe the matter closely, because he should not love himself on account of himself but on account of Him who is to be enjoyed. For he is the best man who turns his whole live toward the immutable life and adheres to it with all his affection." - On Christian Doctrine

i failed to understand that to love myself simply because God made me and I am His creation IS to love God.

For lack of a better post.

i wanted to post something uplifting to everyone,

but i couldn't think of anything.

so here you go instead:

HAAA.

This would have been super awkward

if it was written by anyone else than the one who wrote it.