things i've been ruminating over this break (in a stream-of-consciousness form, so it may not make sense):

- I'm scared to go abroad. Why? I'm realizing that this insecurity comes from the deep-seated comfortable life i've created for myself here and my unwillingness to let it go. I fear how I'll change while I'm over there, the things that will change while I'm gone, what I'll be missing out on, and the completely new life I'll have to create over there, only to leave it again 6 months later. Over and over I hear him ask, "Do you trust me? Do you trust me?" I remember a few months ago clearly stating that I would go wherever He asked, when He asked, because I trust that His plan for me is greater than any plan I have for myself.  Was I naive in thinking that, or have I lost faith?  I feel like I'm going abroad because otherwise I'll regret it, but I'm not too excited about it yet.
- Has my idea of community been altered so much that I've fallen in love with it instead of Him? The conversations I've had with Christian friends are always so great, healing, uplifting. But when I return to the spiritual desert that is my home, I feel like I regress. I know that the progression of my faith can be certainly affected by the people I surround myself with, but is it dependent on them too? ...Is that really even progress then?  Is it even right to judge my faith on "progress?"
- Pressure about my plans for the future have been building up, and my shoulders literally ache of the weight. I'm hard enough on myself, but to have added pressure from family, friends... just about everyone has caused me to search out options out of fear rather than excitement.  I'm horribly afraid that, by the time I figured out what I want to do, I would have missed the opportunity to do it.  I realized that I have been looking for the wrong reasons, and I've forgotten about a God that provides my all when I don't worry but seek first His kingdom. I work so much on hearing Him or feeling what He has to say, but it's hard to hold fast to God and wait on Him when the world/everyone else (and even myself)  tells me to decide before it's too late.
- The words I choose to say.  Ephesians 4:29: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."Jesus straight pierced my heart with that one. The jokes I say, the comments I make about people, the input I choose to give...were they necessary and did they heal?
- Do I really understand what I believe?  Can I articulate it in ways that someone who is not Christian can understand?  I've been struggling with this ever since I came to college, and the quickest answer is "No, not really.

This post was quite sobering. Oh Jesus, teach me about your mercy and grace.