[not] like clockwork.

i tried, really hard.


the door had a wooden placard with the words Rev. Genaro Diesto, Jr. written in gold lettering. to my surprise, the door was unlocked.
i slowly turned the handle, entered, and stood there for a long time, arms crossed in the middle of the room. what used to be his room.

and i stared around at the chair he once sat in,
the desk he once wrote on,
the windows he used to look through,
the floor he paced around on,
the bookshelves now emptied of his theological books.


and i imagined him doing all those things. no, i saw him doing those things. i remembered seeing him do those things.


i even came across something he wrote. The Pastor's Report. His comedic tone intertwined with a serious topic of conversation...that's how he always wrote. and talked.


and i tried, really hard.
i even closed my eyes.

but i couldn't hear his voice.
that voice that's full of authority and tenderness at the same time.
or his laugh.
that boisterous, make-you-laugh-too type of laugh.

and the more i tried, the more frustrated i became with myself for not being able to remember. how could i not remember what he sounded like? if i sat here and closed my eyes, would i eventually hear him?


so i tried to cry.
i tried, really hard.


i even drove to his grave by myself.
sat by it. spoke to him. waited in silence for that moment where i would break and tears would flow.

but it never came. why didn't it come? did i not miss him anymore? of course i did.
my brother cried today. so did my mother. so why couldn't i?


because feelings aren't like clockwork.

on some days, remembering that my dad died hits me so unbelievably hard.
on other days, it's a simple nostalgic smile.
on others still, the thoughts come, but the emotions do not.

but everyday, every single day, i think about him.
and that's something that'll never be too hard.

Milk and Honey

I am always scared of returning home.

Why?
Because going home always seems to be a spiritual desert for me. A place where I find no spiritual food or even a place to get fed.  I picture a long and windy road before me, and I am stuck in the Neutral gear, unable to move forward past the desert.

No, I take that back. I'm in Reverse. A steady retreat to an uncomfortable and discontent yet lazy and apathetic lifestyle.  Back to a time of seeking and not finding, listening but doubting what my ears hear, looking and seeing nothing but brown sand and heat waves. One-way conversations with God.

It has made me passive. Too afraid to change anything because of past failed attempts, I find myself simply wishing I would come back... and things would just be different.

And so it is, with every summer/winter/spring break, that this fear of going back and seeing no change returns. Friends provide but a momentarily uplifting escape. The church and my family are preoccupied with their own spiritual battles.

It is in this time God speaks with such assurance and boldness that I can rest peacefully and, to my surprise, joyfully. He tells me that these two weeks, as short as they may be, will be filled with change.  The wilderness is necessary in order to fully experience my oasis.

"You, my child, will grow."

I do not fully understand the reasons for the wildernesses of God's absence. This I do know: while the wilderness is necessary, it is never meant to be permanent. In God's time and in God's way the desert will gave way to a land flowing with milk and honey.

- Richard J. Foster, Prayer

In God's time.
In God's way.

Purify My Heart.

I praise God because He has brought me into this wilderness.

What He is trying to show me is unclear as of now,
and I feel as if I am in a constant search of something,
and yet that something is unclear as well.

But He is calling me to a time
of relentless pursuit of Him, of focused vigilance,
of a sincere time of trial and - what's more -
triumph in searching for Him.

The Holy Spirit is moving me...
A movement from recognizing what God has done for me,
what He is doing for me,
and what He promises for me...
to a time of perceiving and being aware of Who He is,
unchanged by time.

And a word that I hear as I enter into this wilderness,
into this week of fasting and seeking God
and understanding the redemption and love of a Father
is the word purity.

So Jesus, teach me what it means to be pure,
and may these lessons give me a greater insight
and a truly broken heart
for this Good Friday,
and a greater, deeper reverence
for this Glorious Sunday.

Joy Everlasting

What does it mean to have continuous joy?

A joy that is lasting;
that remains unaffected by circumstances
whether positive or negative;

Is joy a response? Or a belief?
Is joy something not out of emotion but cognition?


What is joy? And how does it become lasting?

Over the past couple weeks, people have thanked God for the continuous joy I impart each day.  For some reason, I question what they see. Why? Because I don't feel joyous all the time. In fact, of late I've rarely felt joy. Unless I do have this joy, and I just don't understand that it truly is.

I wonder they mean by this sense of continuous joy I exhibit.
I wonder if I really know what it means to have joy, to be joyous.

perpetual joy.

i'm sitting out on a patch of grass on Northside, with a

bright blue, beautiful sky
a Sun so warming and comforting
and breeze so gentle it invites me.

and i am happy.
and i thank God.

but then the clouds.
they come and block me from attaining the Sun's
comfort and warmth
and turns the breeze chilly and hostile.

can i still be happy?
can i still thank God?

March 30th.

i can't remember the last time i celebrated today.

the last time we celebrated today together.

what we did for the last time that today.

the last time i remembered today and didn't cry,

the last time i looked forward to today,

the last time today was actually a happy day.

Was the last time five years ago? Eight years ago?

Will a joyous today be next year? Five years from now?

The joy that is uninhibited by circumstances is never more needed than these todays.

I guess I'm at the point in the relationship where, the more and more I fall in love with him, the more the devil seeks to bring me down, abuse me with thoughts of inferiority, remind me of my mistakes, and break me down so bad as to create an inseparable wedge between me and him.

It's a good thing "the LORD will fight for [me]. [I] need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

Deuteronomy 10:12

"And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but

to fear the LORD your God,

to walk in all his ways,

to love him,

to serve the LORD your God

with all your heart and with all your soul,

and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees

that I am giving you today for your own good?"

To answer that question shortly:

a lot.

what a glorious day

it is when you see someone saved.

even more, when that someone is your friend.

i've been to baptisms before,

but i don't think i've ever realized just how

gloriousaweingmajestic they were

until one hit home.

who knew what would happen a year ago when i met her

-- God did.

I want to praise Him even more

for sososo divinely handpicking this friendship.

and that he used someone like ME to do His work?

is so remarkably humbling.

because i do not deserve his grace or his power.

to see a friend enter into the most

wonderful, difficult, and beautiful relationship

and to know you were an instrument in that

and to know that through her,

so many others will come to be saved

is one of the most encouraging things

you could ever experience as a believer.

last night, i rejoiced with the angels.

In the same way, there is joy in the presence of God's angels when even one sinner repents.

- Luke 15:10

strength for tonight

God, grant me peace.

because there's an unsettling in my stomach

an unease that will not disappear

unless You take it away.

God, grant me discipline.

because I don't know when to say no

or what i should give my yess's to

my will falters unless You support me.

What Am I Doing Here?

God, show me why I am here.

And as I take this month-long break
from the reality of school, small group leading,
from my solid Christian community back at home up north,

May you challenge me not to take a break from YOU.

Remind me that my present surroundings
should not define my attitude towards you and others,
will not inhibit my desire for more of you,
cannot give me cause to pursue you less,
and does not shape how you have been molding me already.

Forgive me for thinking that waiting on you
somehow meant sitting idly by,
counting down the days till I returned to good community,
believing that you could not renew this spiritually dry desert.

For you breathe life into dry bones,
You bring what is dead back to life.

And I KNOW that you are GOD.

And thank you for seeing this struggle
And refusing to let it go.


This is my prayer in the desert,
and all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides.

If there's something continuous that I recognize whenever I return to Socal,

it's the apparent and undesired dichotomy

between who I am in Berkeley

and who I am in Pasadena.

Between the woman into whom God is molding me,

and reverting back to the old ways of mine.

And this short Thanksgiving break was no exception.

Is it even possible for these such highly contrasting worlds to become homogenous?

Or better yet, how do I at the very least reconcile them?

slipping

a rock.
a massive, unshakeable, firm, rock.

covered in slime, muck, and moss.
slippery, wet.

i'm climbing that rock.
--or, at least, attempting to.

but i falter.
flounder.

i get a grasp, but not for too long before i start slipping again.
i try, but i guess i'm not good enough.

why am i not as scared as i should be?
why don't i care anymore?
...have i ever?

why don't i care about my future?
about how my present actions affect tomorrow?
when did this "oh, i'll do better next time" mentality arise?
and what if there isn't a next time?

oh Lord Jesus help me.

Shalom?

God, may I never forget

your goodness, your grace, and your unceasing love for me.

Thank you for your unwavering faithfulness in my life,

despite my doubt and anger that "this is not the way things should be."

Forgive me, for when the world is pushing me down

I lose sight of finding joy in your mercy.

And because I do not understand at times,

I pray for your peace that will transcend it all

That will guard my heart and my mind in Your name.

So I lay my burdens down,

my schoolwork, my family, my relationships,

and PRAISE BE TO GOD!, for you bear what I cannot.

You WILL work these burdens out for good because you LOVELOVELOVE me

and I hope for the day Your shalom redeems the broken things in this world.

...and brings back "the way things ought to be."

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. - Romans 8:28

I love when God pops Bible verses into your head the moments you need them the most.

Repentance.

I love when God convicts you with the things you were unaware of before.

Like my prayer life.

My prayer life is full

with God-thank-you's,

with God-You-are's,

of concern and fear,

with my desires,

with God-will-you's,

of intercession,

of please-help-him/her,

...but do I lead a life that also prays of repentance?

That helplessly, humbly cries

God, I'm sorry.

God, forgive me.

God, show me how I am broken.

God, bring to light the areas in me that need Your forgiveness.

Do I?

the truth is, I don't.

So God, I'm sorry...

Where did my life go?

I'm currently sitting in Unit 2, doing homework (well, sorta) while waiting for this weekend's Devo Retreat (with my sorority) to happen.

And the thought that keeps recurring in my mind:

this is my life now.

But wait.

...this is my life now?

Since when? When did my life become about these things, about going and doing?

When did my life stop revolving around my God?

Please forgive me,

for I have forgotten what it means to live for You.

I have so easily and once again fallen into the trap of doing without remembering why.

And thank You.

Thank You for reminding me.

And for remembering me when I don't remember You.

i did it

and i don't regret it. :]

http://idiesto.tumblr.com/

Don't worry, I'll still maintain my allegiance to blogger.

40 Days.

things are starting to change around here,

and i LOVE it.

goodbye, daily facebook checkups.

goodbye, anything luxuriously edible.

goodbye, failing grades and lack of discipline.

goodbye, apathy, fear, indolence, and timidity.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and self-discipline."

II Timothy 1:7

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives and

release from darkness for the prisoners."

Isaiah 61:1

hello, forty days of fasting and earnestly seeking God's revival.

hello, revival at University of California Berkeley. :)

hello, revival in me.

I miss Sam!

Me: they're going to be a power couple!

Sam: I reserved one of their babies for my baby

Sam: dibbsies

Aloooooha.

This past week in Hawaii has been...

well, I can't really say. The rich and glamorized setting, which reminded me of an upscale Philippines (minus the bugs and add a plethora of diverse people), just thirsted for green dollar bills held by unknowing rich tourists. Everywhere I went, there was stuff to buy, and it was expensive. There were things to do, but not without spending money first.

And I found myself asking, “Why am I here? How have I so easily fallen into this trap that, 'it's a vacation, so spend because this chance doesn't come often?' I could have spent this time and money in Africa, helping people who don't have the chance to do this.”

Inasmuch as it angers me that I have fallen prey to the consumerism and superficiality on which this world feeds, I sat on the hot beach a few days ago lost in thought. And while trying to keep off the sand that burned my feet every time I stepped outside the safety of my blue towel, I heard God telling me to “look.”

Look out at the entrancing ocean and gorgeous beach I have created for you to enjoy, and to thank me for. Why would I have created this place if not for you to enjoy and rule over? (Which gets me thinking, God's decision to allow man to rule over everything has gone terribly, terribly overboard. Having to spend money to go to the beach? What is that!).

Look out at the hundreds of people, all different, all beautiful and hand-made by me, for you to interact with and get to know.

Look at your family. Your broken, broken family, whom I am forcing you to spend time with. I took you out of a place where you cannot hide behind the walls of your room, into a land where my blessings, my beauty, my glory rain down... so that something can happen within you and your family.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not making any excuses for or attempting to justify spending that much money to do all this stuff. In fact, the trek to find something to do every day that week has left me disappointed with myself and unsatisfied... and I hate the fact that everywhere I looked, there was something to buy. It bothered me that people chose to spend time shopping at the Coach store or the Uggs store (really, in Hawaii? Are Uggs necessary?) rather than sitting out and enjoying God's creation. But that happens everywhere; whether I am sitting on a beach in Hawaii or driving around in LA.

So where is this post going? I have no idea. My thoughts are jumbled...ehh, I need a vacation.