(Don't) Use Me.

I often pray for God to use me in whatever way He desires,

for Him to give me opportunities to express His love,

people with whom I can just help, and serve, and love.

But when those chances come, I often shy away.

I get scared, intimidated, afraid.

WHY?

I really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Today as I was ordering food, I noticed a blind man sitting by himself, struggling to eat.

I so desired just to sit across from him and talk to him.

Just to sit across from Him and talk to Him.

And yet I stopped myself. Why? I don't know.

So I sat away from him. From Him.

Because, for some reason, I was scared, intimidated, and afraid.

As I waited at the counter for my number to be called,

he slowly made his way next to me, intending to ask the cashier for something.

For the longest time, we stood beside each other. Waiting.

Finally, I turned to him to ask him what he needed...

And then turned away.

Twice.

I did end up asking him what he wanted and helped him out,

but as soon as my "deed" was done I walked out

and went straight back to my room.

Why was I afraid to sit and talk with him? With Him?

What was keeping me?

What continues to prevent me?

Why?

I just really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Short and Sweet.

i absolutely lovelovelove my UNITONESMALLGROUP.

they have been a tremendous blessing this last semester,

and i am more than grateful to GOD for giving me the chance

to meet HIS beautiful creations,

and through them

HIM.

BUT i will reflect more later.

final paper, here i come. :]

Faith Despite Fear.

Let ALL things their Creator bless

And worship Him in humbleness

OH PRAISE HIM

ALLELUIA.

Despite my current fears about grades,

frustrations with myself this past semester,

worries about the relationships in my life,

I am INCREDIBLY thankful to God,

For HE has blessed me with the ability to still worship him.

Take my fret, take my fear

ALL I have, I'm leaving here.

And I will worship YOU LORD

ONLY YOU LORD.

God is good.

I am a horrible person;

undeserving of anything,

unconfident in my abilities,

immature, inconsistent, indecisive.

Inandof myself, I am worthless.

So why am I HAPPY?

Because GOD gives me worth.

Because GOD has given me such a blessed life.

And because all of the crap inside me

doesn't matter to GOD.

Text Message!

I absolutely love getting text messages like this:

(I know, it's a little late. But nonetheless uplifting!)

God never ceases to remind me how much He has blessed me with the greatest friends.

Apartment!

Today my future apartmentmates and I signed for our VERY FIRST APARTMENT!

That's right. We officially have a place to live!!!

After months of waiting on a crappy property owner (who ended up telling us of our slim chance of getting our desired apartment)

God's amazing grace got us an apartment. =)

And as I reflect on what exactly renting our own place to live means,

I realize...I am an adult now.

Well. That's technically not true...

But we are going to be living in our own place

OUR PLACE.

Where we keep track of bills, each other, food, etc.

I'm turning nineteen this year.

---I remember wanting to be sixteen.

I'm in college.

at Berkeley.

I (through God) finally made it.

It's so weird.

Despite my excitement,

I think I'm having a little trouble embracing it.

Bittersweet weekend.

I am really, really bummed that I missed CCF this weekend for TWO reasons:

1. I was looking forward to the speaker;

2. My UCMerced homeskillets came !!!!

Oh man. But at least I wasn't the only one who didn't like that I was M.I.A. In fact, my fellow SUPer just told me:

JS and I have a relationship that facebook would call "it's complicated."

BUT on the bright side:

I got to spend a lovely weekend out on a a secluded, far away from civilization ranch out in King City with my sorority. LOVELOVELOVE them!

PS. this was a quick post...because now I am off to fill an APARTMENT application. wow, I guess I really am growing up....

Elizabeth.

Quiet; shy.

The Little Girl with no smile on her face as I walked by. This Little Girl caught my attention, and I don't know why.

Movement; interaction.

This Little Girl had a smile on her face, for the things she did created a reaction. I didn't react to her actions; I simply wondered...why?

Different; changed.

Her mom drove up and this Little Girl was no longer the same. The pent-up anger pushed forth from this Little Girl's frame, and she screamed words so profane that I...cried.

I cried for the Little Girl with the pain in her eyes,

the pain so prevalent, so relevant

to so many who did not understand God's plan

for their situation.

For this Little Girl was just one grain on a beach of

unnoticed, uncared for sand

in a unnoticing, uncaring population.

Breathe; sigh.

Because it is for those in the world who live like this Little Girl

that Jesus came to restore, deliver, and die.

At the Big "C".

One tear.

FORCED.

Because "it's better to cry than hold it in."

But what was I crying about?

One more tear.

Still PUSHING.

Because I have no confidence in me. Because I hate me.

But what is it about me that I doubt?

More tears.

Flowing.

Because I hate that I hate me.

While the rest of the world boxes

more serious bouts.

And so I step Back. go Back. and Remember.

That although my life is a mess, it is truly blessed.

and I go through these tests to persevere, to learn, to overcome fear.

...to rest... here... in. God's. presence.

That I don't live in the past but the present --

In the presence of a FORCE that pushes past

my anger, my hurt, my tears

and gently whispers in my ear that HE IS NEAR.

One last tear.

Simple.

Because, in the end, I know I live a good life.

And I know Who my life is all about.

Pokemon.

Two random people on separate occasions took pictures of me today while I was studying under a tree. Jenna now believes I am a part of pokemon snap.

this or that?

i don't understand why i let indecision take over my life.

I live nowhere.

I am stuck between two worlds.

Between the world where everyone knew me and understood me. The world where I had no trouble being myself. The world where I connected through deep, meaningful relationships, not just fun and laughter. The world where I was comfortable. The world where I didn't have to hold back who I was. I was genuine. Things were genuine.

And the world I am in now.

I love myself?

This past weekend, I worked really hard on a Psych paper that's due Thursday, March 4th.

As in, I spent hours trying to find the right paper topic, read through it a couple times, and cleared my schedule for the entire week just so that I could have time to write this three-page, single-spaced, 11 pt. font paper. (why can't we just do MLA formatting? stupid.)

And in the bathroom, as I was getting ready for bed, I asked a floormate/psych classmate how her paper was going... annd she freaked out because she didn't know it was due Thursday, March 4th. So she ran to her room, grabbed her computer, and searched for the syllabus, which read:

as in APRIL 29TH.

as in 1 MONTH and 28 DAYS FROM NOW.

oh, how embarrassing that was.

but that's not what sparked his post.

what did was the fact that,

instead of my breathing a sigh of relief,

i became angry with myself

instead of being happy that i have a relatively free week to do whatever i wanted,

i was pissed at how stupid i was.

WHY?

why did i react this way?

why am i so hard on myself? am i too hard on myself?

lately, I've been trying to figure out the line between humility and self-degradation. and in doing so, my realization that i am absolutely nothing without God has become so deep that I've actually started to hate myself. i figured that, if i loved myself, i would become vain, superficial and arrogant.

to love only God meant to love nothing else ...including me.

in a desire not to be prideful, I have renounced the love of myself that i should have because I am a creation of God. i have forgotten i should love myself, not for myself but because God made me. in that regard St. Augustine writes,

"But no one ought to enjoy himself either, if you observe the matter closely, because he should not love himself on account of himself but on account of Him who is to be enjoyed. For he is the best man who turns his whole live toward the immutable life and adheres to it with all his affection." - On Christian Doctrine

i failed to understand that to love myself simply because God made me and I am His creation IS to love God.

For lack of a better post.

i wanted to post something uplifting to everyone,

but i couldn't think of anything.

so here you go instead:

HAAA.

This would have been super awkward

if it was written by anyone else than the one who wrote it.

Paul's Words

I can only hope someone can say this to me:

"I said before that you are in our hearts,

and we live or die together with you.

I have the highest confidence in you,

and I take great pride in you.

You have greatly encouraged me

and made me happy despite all our troubles."

- II Corinthians 7:3b-4.

CHRISTOPHERBRIANWONG.

MADE MY WEEEK.

I FREAKING LOVE YOU.

The Truth Hurts.

ChristopherWong.

Yes, I have dedicated a post to you.

BECAUSE I WANT MY KITKAT.

Confessions.

St. Augustine wrote:

"I had prayed to you for chastity and said 'Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.' For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure met too soon of the disease of lust, which I wanted satisfied, not quelled."

- Confessions, Book 8 Chapter 7

This quote convicted me like nothing else has in a long time.

There are so many things in my life that cause me to sin, and I know I should stop and keep away from them... that I should give them to God.

I tell myself, promise myself that I'll be done doing this or that sinful thing.

But only after I keep doing it for a little more, or after this set date, or when I decide to do this.

Cause, like Paul,

I don't really understand myself,

for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it.

Instead, I do what I hate.

Gandhi.

"Gandhi felt fascinated at knowing Christ.

He met Christians, and felt let down."

- Mother Teresa

OH SNAP.