What Am I Doing Here?

God, show me why I am here.

And as I take this month-long break
from the reality of school, small group leading,
from my solid Christian community back at home up north,

May you challenge me not to take a break from YOU.

Remind me that my present surroundings
should not define my attitude towards you and others,
will not inhibit my desire for more of you,
cannot give me cause to pursue you less,
and does not shape how you have been molding me already.

Forgive me for thinking that waiting on you
somehow meant sitting idly by,
counting down the days till I returned to good community,
believing that you could not renew this spiritually dry desert.

For you breathe life into dry bones,
You bring what is dead back to life.

And I KNOW that you are GOD.

And thank you for seeing this struggle
And refusing to let it go.


This is my prayer in the desert,
and all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides.

If there's something continuous that I recognize whenever I return to Socal,

it's the apparent and undesired dichotomy

between who I am in Berkeley

and who I am in Pasadena.

Between the woman into whom God is molding me,

and reverting back to the old ways of mine.

And this short Thanksgiving break was no exception.

Is it even possible for these such highly contrasting worlds to become homogenous?

Or better yet, how do I at the very least reconcile them?

slipping

a rock.
a massive, unshakeable, firm, rock.

covered in slime, muck, and moss.
slippery, wet.

i'm climbing that rock.
--or, at least, attempting to.

but i falter.
flounder.

i get a grasp, but not for too long before i start slipping again.
i try, but i guess i'm not good enough.

why am i not as scared as i should be?
why don't i care anymore?
...have i ever?

why don't i care about my future?
about how my present actions affect tomorrow?
when did this "oh, i'll do better next time" mentality arise?
and what if there isn't a next time?

oh Lord Jesus help me.

Shalom?

God, may I never forget

your goodness, your grace, and your unceasing love for me.

Thank you for your unwavering faithfulness in my life,

despite my doubt and anger that "this is not the way things should be."

Forgive me, for when the world is pushing me down

I lose sight of finding joy in your mercy.

And because I do not understand at times,

I pray for your peace that will transcend it all

That will guard my heart and my mind in Your name.

So I lay my burdens down,

my schoolwork, my family, my relationships,

and PRAISE BE TO GOD!, for you bear what I cannot.

You WILL work these burdens out for good because you LOVELOVELOVE me

and I hope for the day Your shalom redeems the broken things in this world.

...and brings back "the way things ought to be."

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. - Romans 8:28

I love when God pops Bible verses into your head the moments you need them the most.

Repentance.

I love when God convicts you with the things you were unaware of before.

Like my prayer life.

My prayer life is full

with God-thank-you's,

with God-You-are's,

of concern and fear,

with my desires,

with God-will-you's,

of intercession,

of please-help-him/her,

...but do I lead a life that also prays of repentance?

That helplessly, humbly cries

God, I'm sorry.

God, forgive me.

God, show me how I am broken.

God, bring to light the areas in me that need Your forgiveness.

Do I?

the truth is, I don't.

So God, I'm sorry...

Where did my life go?

I'm currently sitting in Unit 2, doing homework (well, sorta) while waiting for this weekend's Devo Retreat (with my sorority) to happen.

And the thought that keeps recurring in my mind:

this is my life now.

But wait.

...this is my life now?

Since when? When did my life become about these things, about going and doing?

When did my life stop revolving around my God?

Please forgive me,

for I have forgotten what it means to live for You.

I have so easily and once again fallen into the trap of doing without remembering why.

And thank You.

Thank You for reminding me.

And for remembering me when I don't remember You.

i did it

and i don't regret it. :]

http://idiesto.tumblr.com/

Don't worry, I'll still maintain my allegiance to blogger.

40 Days.

things are starting to change around here,

and i LOVE it.

goodbye, daily facebook checkups.

goodbye, anything luxuriously edible.

goodbye, failing grades and lack of discipline.

goodbye, apathy, fear, indolence, and timidity.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and self-discipline."

II Timothy 1:7

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives and

release from darkness for the prisoners."

Isaiah 61:1

hello, forty days of fasting and earnestly seeking God's revival.

hello, revival at University of California Berkeley. :)

hello, revival in me.

I miss Sam!

Me: they're going to be a power couple!

Sam: I reserved one of their babies for my baby

Sam: dibbsies

Aloooooha.

This past week in Hawaii has been...

well, I can't really say. The rich and glamorized setting, which reminded me of an upscale Philippines (minus the bugs and add a plethora of diverse people), just thirsted for green dollar bills held by unknowing rich tourists. Everywhere I went, there was stuff to buy, and it was expensive. There were things to do, but not without spending money first.

And I found myself asking, “Why am I here? How have I so easily fallen into this trap that, 'it's a vacation, so spend because this chance doesn't come often?' I could have spent this time and money in Africa, helping people who don't have the chance to do this.”

Inasmuch as it angers me that I have fallen prey to the consumerism and superficiality on which this world feeds, I sat on the hot beach a few days ago lost in thought. And while trying to keep off the sand that burned my feet every time I stepped outside the safety of my blue towel, I heard God telling me to “look.”

Look out at the entrancing ocean and gorgeous beach I have created for you to enjoy, and to thank me for. Why would I have created this place if not for you to enjoy and rule over? (Which gets me thinking, God's decision to allow man to rule over everything has gone terribly, terribly overboard. Having to spend money to go to the beach? What is that!).

Look out at the hundreds of people, all different, all beautiful and hand-made by me, for you to interact with and get to know.

Look at your family. Your broken, broken family, whom I am forcing you to spend time with. I took you out of a place where you cannot hide behind the walls of your room, into a land where my blessings, my beauty, my glory rain down... so that something can happen within you and your family.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not making any excuses for or attempting to justify spending that much money to do all this stuff. In fact, the trek to find something to do every day that week has left me disappointed with myself and unsatisfied... and I hate the fact that everywhere I looked, there was something to buy. It bothered me that people chose to spend time shopping at the Coach store or the Uggs store (really, in Hawaii? Are Uggs necessary?) rather than sitting out and enjoying God's creation. But that happens everywhere; whether I am sitting on a beach in Hawaii or driving around in LA.

So where is this post going? I have no idea. My thoughts are jumbled...ehh, I need a vacation.

An Extroverted Explanation.

I've lately been recognizing the diversity of life with which God has blessed me.

My summer has been constantly filled with meeting different people. People, people, people.

People I haven't seen in a year (or years!),

People I have so desperately wanted to catch up with,

People I have had the privilege of meeting for the first time,

People I have missed while I was in college,

People in college whom I have missed while I've been home.

As I looked through my calendar and, for a lack of better wording, a checklist of people I intend(ed) to get together with this summer, a few re-occuring comments about how I choose to spend my time resurfaced. One of the most true and challenging? That I have a lot of friends, and sometimes I spread myself too thin wanting to hang out with them all.

Yes, true. To an extent, there is only so much time and I have to choose wisely who I spend it with. (And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying "hold on to every single person you meet"...sometimes the most memorable experiences are ones that can never happen again.) But on the other hand, I asked God what He desired for me through all these relationships. Not just with each person individually, but overall... in other words: why did God put so many people in my life?

And I heard Him say, "Because they're all different, and you need to learn from them."

And I need to be reminded of how gorgeous diversity is,

That is it not something to be generalized and overlooked, but realized and embraced.

And paradoxically, something in which any two people find common ground to connect.

Even more,

I can see how God is preparing my heart for my future as a small group leader,

how the plethora of people, beliefs, and struggles I will soon encounter

is not something to overlook but welcome,

something that results in common ground not ignored differences.

I find happiness knowing I'm hanging out with this person and that completely different person at the same time;

I see beauty in sitting between the traditionalist and raging progressive, waiting till they find something they agree on;

I feel God uniting the Buddhist and the Christian as I listen to their hearts for social justice;

I love that God is teaching me through the smoker, the drunkard, the liberal, the pastor, the atheist, and whatever label anyone can put on all my friends.

God has blessed me with a beautiful life, wondrous people, and endless blessings. And no matter what hell lives on around me, what struggles bring me down, or what sorrows break my heart, I choose to find rest in the fact that He has a great plan.

A Rock in this Hard Place.

There are a lot of things that constantly swim around in my mind.

Things on repeat.

Things I've constantly had to deal with.

Over, and over, and over again.

And my mind is indecisive. Stuck

Between the idea that

"I may very well have to deal with this for the rest of my life

and I need to be ok knowing that

there are things that will just never change, or be fixed."

and the idea that

"if I just be patient, and wait, and hope,

the storm will eventually pass;

I will get through this."

But GOD,

as I pray for understanding

I WILL give you THANKS

because I am still blessed

I WILL hold on to You

because YOU are YOU

and I am simply not.

and maybe I just need a change in focus;

from the self-depricating thoughts that

I keep failing and failing,

to the uplifting, encouraging realizations that

You continuously give me another chance

so thank you for your peace

that passes all understanding.

The Next Marie Digby

(except I don't intend on dropping out of Berkeley).

yesterday marks the start of a new hobby:

guitar.

too bad i started so late,

especially because in about a month i'll be traveling back up north for school,

which will be full of school, homework, small group leading, sorority attending,

and less of alone time, that much needed r&r time,

and to now add to the list, practice time!

that and i don't have a guitar with which to practice.

sad times.

but i'm here for 5 more weeks

minus that week in berkeley

and that week in hawaii

so let the finger pains begin!

It's hard, but

I must strive to see Jesus in every person.

Defy it

with love.

"As we read the Gospels, we find Jesus' message putting him more and more in conflict with the religious and political leaders of his day. He's threatening their power. This is what loves does, it threatens the empires of power and control and wealth and manipulation."

- Rob Bell, Sex God

A Spiritual Desert

at home?

Every time I come back,

whenever I'm here,

in this place, this setting,

something happens in me.

And I regress.

Irritated, indifferent, insensitive.

I change. Or maybe it seems

Like God isn't changing me?

I know that my spiritual walk

should not be affected

by my current physical settings,

by any location, place, or whathaveme.

But when I'm back here

something happens in me.

This is my prayer in the desert, when all that's within me feels dry...

And this is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain.

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames.

I will bring praise; I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain.

I will rejoice; I will declare

God is my victory and He is here.

All of my life in every season, You are still God

I have a reason to sing; I have a reason to worship.

The Aftermath.

It's hard to be back here.

Almost too hard.

Journaling from Menotitolai's land.

Soo...we just returned from Maasai land.
(PS. Menotitolai is just about hte coolest Maasai person you'll ever meet. He also stole my sunglasses.)

And I'm late for breakfast, so I have to make this one quick and just update a little of my journal entries this past week...

June 8 2:20 PM

Last night was such a fruitful night. Sitting back here in the middle of Maasai land has brought back a lot of memories from last year. As I stared up at the star-filled night sky, I was just in awe at God's beautiful creation which enveloped me. I doubt if you can see that many stars anywhere in America. So, so, so beautiful!

I've been hoping on this trip that God would tell me more about my role in Africa, or if there is even to be any. Last year I was rather disappointed when I felt God telling me I was not supposed to be here; maybe it was because my heart and desire to be here weren't in the right place. But coming back, I've wanted so much to be a part of the culture and life God has developed here, a part of the story here that God is creating. As I held the hands of small NYOTA kids within mine, it just ...felt right... I felt a passion to get to really know them, their life, their story, their love...God's love for them. God, give me guidance, that I can understand more of what you want for me.

This morning we traveled to the Maasai school. The same feelings that overwhelmed me last year and caused me to shut down flooded within me again. Nothing in that place had changed. There were craters in the floor, browken windowns, dirt stains coverwing the walls. The blackboard was in such horrible condition that teachers started writing on the walls. What I felt as I walked beside the broken down building was intense sadness, disappointment, and just a feeling of loss. It was rather unexplainable. How do 300 kids fit in a building smaller than my house? How could 3 teachers handle everything? Why does the government not care as much about the welfare of these kids...of their country's future? Regardless, God I know You're there. Because You are EVERYWHERE. You inhabit all places, and Your presence is also here, at this Maasai school. So let Your glory show!

We're on the last leg of the trip...next stop: Missionaries of Charity. This is going to be one of the most intense sites (apparently), so continued prayers on spiritual and physical protection amongst other things. Also, I guess I cam back from the land with a virus (basically a super huge head cold, gross sore throat, and a stomachache that's been 6 days now!)...and there's been a small 24hour bug that's been going around the team, so pray for us!

Hakuna matata!

Maasai!

Hibari Kiferangas! (Literally, "How are you chicks?")

I hope all is well. I wanted to thank you greatly for your prayers and support. The Lord has been so good to us this last week we were here, and we have been so blessed. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers..and continue to do so!

We are off to Maasai Land in about....five minutes ago (hey, it IS Africa time now!).

Here's what they look like, incase you didn't know: http://www.neystadt.org/john/album/Tanzania2003/Natives/DSCN2158-Maasai-Dance.jpg

We are so excited to spend time away from cities (the closest thing to a hospital is a few hours away...so pray that no one gets sick!) and be under the stars listening to the Maasai pastor James speak of his life (demon possessions!).

I'm late so I have to go! But keep us in your prayers! There'll be no outside contact from any of us for a while...but we love you all!

Hakuna mungu kama wewe!

Africa Update #1

HIBARI WAZUNGU! (It means "How are you, foreigners!")

(These are a few of my journal entries...I'm on a time crunch so it'll be quick!)

June 1 - 9:30 AM
The smell that brings me back to Africa a year ago already permeates this airplane. I've been teetering between excitement and apathy all throughout the preparation for this trip, but regardless I am thankful for this opportunity to return and be used once again by God. I think my role for Team Africa has changed dramatically from last year. As I think about how God wants to use me on this trip, my mind returns to the students traveling with us. I feel called not so much to the people of Africa as much as the girls on the team. And the more I think about it, I think God is preparing me for my future as a small group leader at Berkeley next year. I'm a little anxious and don't really know how to approach these students, so I pray that YOU would be my mouthpiece God, and like Moses and Aaron in Exodus, YOU would speak to and through me.

June 3 - 7:35 AM
Sight:
- dry, thirsty land
- crowds of people congregated on the sides of the street, nowhere to go, nothing to do, hungry for food, a home, and a place to belong

Smell:
- exhaust
- smoke from the piles of burned rubbish scattered all throughout the streets, "sidewalks," and ....everywhere.
- body odor of people who have more important things to care about
- dust. everywhere. breathe it in, guys, there's nothing like it!

Taste:
- fish and chicken curry, peppered beef steak, rice, ugali, chipatis, boiled vegetables
- blessings from God

Touch:
- a hard, stiff bed
- shuttle window, constantly opening to let fresh air in and closing to stop the dust from entering our eyes and nostrils

Hear:
- honking of impatient horns
- laughter
- joyful kiswahili conversations
- hillsong, christ tomlin, and all things christian music sounding
- a car alarm at 6 AM...or muslim call to prayer?




Keep praying for us!
- One thing that has been on my mind is unity. This team seems to be a little cliquish, even though there are only 13 of us.
- Safety, spiritually and physically. We have been hearing stories about demon possessions in Maasai land, so pray that our hearts and minds would be on guard.
- that we focus on Jesus! and experience joy and laughter through Him
- we can see more of the world through our brothers and sisters' hearts here in Africa, and through that, we may gain a broader picture of God's hearts for us and the world.


AH! I'm out of time. But be blessed, and we are sososososo thankful that you are taking this adventure along with us. Bwana asifiwe!