It's that 10-day mark before I leave for Australia, and for the last two days I've been lying in bed, wasting time, and watching re-runs of shows I don't even like all that much. Instead of making the most of the time I have left here hanging out with people I never get to see during the school year, making a dent in the pile of books I promised myself I'd read over break, prepping myself spiritually/physically for life abroad, or even finishing that list of to-do's before I head out, I'm here eating not-so-good food watching not-so-funny TV.

Over the last few weeks, my feelings have teetered between panic about what there is left to do and peace that I'm trusting God will work everything out. There's still so much to do before departing (or at least it feels that way) that I don't even know where to start or how to begin.  There's things I have to do, like packing and buying all the necessities, and things I want to do but don't really have to right now, like making that list of places to go and things to see.

But on the other hand, there's really not that much left to do but to go.  And I want to just go. I don't have everything figured out, yes, and as scary as that may be, it's also exciting, interesting, and somewhat peace-giving to know that I'm learning to be less of a J. Not that I'm becoming more of a P necessarily, but I am realizing that I'm becoming more reliant not on myself but on God. Just like in life, you can plan and plan and plan, but you'll never be fully prepared for everything, and sometimes you just have to roll with things and take them as they come.

God's telling me that this is going to be a season of great change for me, and He will show me miracles that my eyes have never seen, grow me in ways I've never thought possible, and love me in ways I've never imagined. But of me He requires the utmost confidence and trust in Him, constant devotion to His voice and every command, and lastly to just ...go.

things i've been ruminating over this break (in a stream-of-consciousness form, so it may not make sense):

- I'm scared to go abroad. Why? I'm realizing that this insecurity comes from the deep-seated comfortable life i've created for myself here and my unwillingness to let it go. I fear how I'll change while I'm over there, the things that will change while I'm gone, what I'll be missing out on, and the completely new life I'll have to create over there, only to leave it again 6 months later. Over and over I hear him ask, "Do you trust me? Do you trust me?" I remember a few months ago clearly stating that I would go wherever He asked, when He asked, because I trust that His plan for me is greater than any plan I have for myself.  Was I naive in thinking that, or have I lost faith?  I feel like I'm going abroad because otherwise I'll regret it, but I'm not too excited about it yet.
- Has my idea of community been altered so much that I've fallen in love with it instead of Him? The conversations I've had with Christian friends are always so great, healing, uplifting. But when I return to the spiritual desert that is my home, I feel like I regress. I know that the progression of my faith can be certainly affected by the people I surround myself with, but is it dependent on them too? ...Is that really even progress then?  Is it even right to judge my faith on "progress?"
- Pressure about my plans for the future have been building up, and my shoulders literally ache of the weight. I'm hard enough on myself, but to have added pressure from family, friends... just about everyone has caused me to search out options out of fear rather than excitement.  I'm horribly afraid that, by the time I figured out what I want to do, I would have missed the opportunity to do it.  I realized that I have been looking for the wrong reasons, and I've forgotten about a God that provides my all when I don't worry but seek first His kingdom. I work so much on hearing Him or feeling what He has to say, but it's hard to hold fast to God and wait on Him when the world/everyone else (and even myself)  tells me to decide before it's too late.
- The words I choose to say.  Ephesians 4:29: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."Jesus straight pierced my heart with that one. The jokes I say, the comments I make about people, the input I choose to give...were they necessary and did they heal?
- Do I really understand what I believe?  Can I articulate it in ways that someone who is not Christian can understand?  I've been struggling with this ever since I came to college, and the quickest answer is "No, not really.

This post was quite sobering. Oh Jesus, teach me about your mercy and grace.