(Don't) Use Me.

I often pray for God to use me in whatever way He desires,

for Him to give me opportunities to express His love,

people with whom I can just help, and serve, and love.

But when those chances come, I often shy away.

I get scared, intimidated, afraid.

WHY?

I really, really don't know.

But I hate it.

Today as I was ordering food, I noticed a blind man sitting by himself, struggling to eat.

I so desired just to sit across from him and talk to him.

Just to sit across from Him and talk to Him.

And yet I stopped myself. Why? I don't know.

So I sat away from him. From Him.

Because, for some reason, I was scared, intimidated, and afraid.

As I waited at the counter for my number to be called,

he slowly made his way next to me, intending to ask the cashier for something.

For the longest time, we stood beside each other. Waiting.

Finally, I turned to him to ask him what he needed...

And then turned away.

Twice.

I did end up asking him what he wanted and helped him out,

but as soon as my "deed" was done I walked out

and went straight back to my room.

Why was I afraid to sit and talk with him? With Him?

What was keeping me?

What continues to prevent me?

Why?

I just really, really don't know.

But I hate it.