Elizabeth.

Quiet; shy.

The Little Girl with no smile on her face as I walked by. This Little Girl caught my attention, and I don't know why.

Movement; interaction.

This Little Girl had a smile on her face, for the things she did created a reaction. I didn't react to her actions; I simply wondered...why?

Different; changed.

Her mom drove up and this Little Girl was no longer the same. The pent-up anger pushed forth from this Little Girl's frame, and she screamed words so profane that I...cried.

I cried for the Little Girl with the pain in her eyes,

the pain so prevalent, so relevant

to so many who did not understand God's plan

for their situation.

For this Little Girl was just one grain on a beach of

unnoticed, uncared for sand

in a unnoticing, uncaring population.

Breathe; sigh.

Because it is for those in the world who live like this Little Girl

that Jesus came to restore, deliver, and die.

At the Big "C".

One tear.

FORCED.

Because "it's better to cry than hold it in."

But what was I crying about?

One more tear.

Still PUSHING.

Because I have no confidence in me. Because I hate me.

But what is it about me that I doubt?

More tears.

Flowing.

Because I hate that I hate me.

While the rest of the world boxes

more serious bouts.

And so I step Back. go Back. and Remember.

That although my life is a mess, it is truly blessed.

and I go through these tests to persevere, to learn, to overcome fear.

...to rest... here... in. God's. presence.

That I don't live in the past but the present --

In the presence of a FORCE that pushes past

my anger, my hurt, my tears

and gently whispers in my ear that HE IS NEAR.

One last tear.

Simple.

Because, in the end, I know I live a good life.

And I know Who my life is all about.

Pokemon.

Two random people on separate occasions took pictures of me today while I was studying under a tree. Jenna now believes I am a part of pokemon snap.

this or that?

i don't understand why i let indecision take over my life.

I live nowhere.

I am stuck between two worlds.

Between the world where everyone knew me and understood me. The world where I had no trouble being myself. The world where I connected through deep, meaningful relationships, not just fun and laughter. The world where I was comfortable. The world where I didn't have to hold back who I was. I was genuine. Things were genuine.

And the world I am in now.

I love myself?

This past weekend, I worked really hard on a Psych paper that's due Thursday, March 4th.

As in, I spent hours trying to find the right paper topic, read through it a couple times, and cleared my schedule for the entire week just so that I could have time to write this three-page, single-spaced, 11 pt. font paper. (why can't we just do MLA formatting? stupid.)

And in the bathroom, as I was getting ready for bed, I asked a floormate/psych classmate how her paper was going... annd she freaked out because she didn't know it was due Thursday, March 4th. So she ran to her room, grabbed her computer, and searched for the syllabus, which read:

as in APRIL 29TH.

as in 1 MONTH and 28 DAYS FROM NOW.

oh, how embarrassing that was.

but that's not what sparked his post.

what did was the fact that,

instead of my breathing a sigh of relief,

i became angry with myself

instead of being happy that i have a relatively free week to do whatever i wanted,

i was pissed at how stupid i was.

WHY?

why did i react this way?

why am i so hard on myself? am i too hard on myself?

lately, I've been trying to figure out the line between humility and self-degradation. and in doing so, my realization that i am absolutely nothing without God has become so deep that I've actually started to hate myself. i figured that, if i loved myself, i would become vain, superficial and arrogant.

to love only God meant to love nothing else ...including me.

in a desire not to be prideful, I have renounced the love of myself that i should have because I am a creation of God. i have forgotten i should love myself, not for myself but because God made me. in that regard St. Augustine writes,

"But no one ought to enjoy himself either, if you observe the matter closely, because he should not love himself on account of himself but on account of Him who is to be enjoyed. For he is the best man who turns his whole live toward the immutable life and adheres to it with all his affection." - On Christian Doctrine

i failed to understand that to love myself simply because God made me and I am His creation IS to love God.