I love myself?

This past weekend, I worked really hard on a Psych paper that's due Thursday, March 4th.

As in, I spent hours trying to find the right paper topic, read through it a couple times, and cleared my schedule for the entire week just so that I could have time to write this three-page, single-spaced, 11 pt. font paper. (why can't we just do MLA formatting? stupid.)

And in the bathroom, as I was getting ready for bed, I asked a floormate/psych classmate how her paper was going... annd she freaked out because she didn't know it was due Thursday, March 4th. So she ran to her room, grabbed her computer, and searched for the syllabus, which read:

as in APRIL 29TH.

as in 1 MONTH and 28 DAYS FROM NOW.

oh, how embarrassing that was.

but that's not what sparked his post.

what did was the fact that,

instead of my breathing a sigh of relief,

i became angry with myself

instead of being happy that i have a relatively free week to do whatever i wanted,

i was pissed at how stupid i was.

WHY?

why did i react this way?

why am i so hard on myself? am i too hard on myself?

lately, I've been trying to figure out the line between humility and self-degradation. and in doing so, my realization that i am absolutely nothing without God has become so deep that I've actually started to hate myself. i figured that, if i loved myself, i would become vain, superficial and arrogant.

to love only God meant to love nothing else ...including me.

in a desire not to be prideful, I have renounced the love of myself that i should have because I am a creation of God. i have forgotten i should love myself, not for myself but because God made me. in that regard St. Augustine writes,

"But no one ought to enjoy himself either, if you observe the matter closely, because he should not love himself on account of himself but on account of Him who is to be enjoyed. For he is the best man who turns his whole live toward the immutable life and adheres to it with all his affection." - On Christian Doctrine

i failed to understand that to love myself simply because God made me and I am His creation IS to love God.

For lack of a better post.

i wanted to post something uplifting to everyone,

but i couldn't think of anything.

so here you go instead:

HAAA.

This would have been super awkward

if it was written by anyone else than the one who wrote it.

Paul's Words

I can only hope someone can say this to me:

"I said before that you are in our hearts,

and we live or die together with you.

I have the highest confidence in you,

and I take great pride in you.

You have greatly encouraged me

and made me happy despite all our troubles."

- II Corinthians 7:3b-4.

CHRISTOPHERBRIANWONG.

MADE MY WEEEK.

I FREAKING LOVE YOU.

The Truth Hurts.

ChristopherWong.

Yes, I have dedicated a post to you.

BECAUSE I WANT MY KITKAT.

Confessions.

St. Augustine wrote:

"I had prayed to you for chastity and said 'Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.' For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure met too soon of the disease of lust, which I wanted satisfied, not quelled."

- Confessions, Book 8 Chapter 7

This quote convicted me like nothing else has in a long time.

There are so many things in my life that cause me to sin, and I know I should stop and keep away from them... that I should give them to God.

I tell myself, promise myself that I'll be done doing this or that sinful thing.

But only after I keep doing it for a little more, or after this set date, or when I decide to do this.

Cause, like Paul,

I don't really understand myself,

for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it.

Instead, I do what I hate.

Gandhi.

"Gandhi felt fascinated at knowing Christ.

He met Christians, and felt let down."

- Mother Teresa

OH SNAP.

vday!

i've decided to write two posts: the previous to keep track of what has been going on in my mind, and now this post to relay what has happened in my life! this one's simpler.

so, I've officially joined a sorority as of February 7, 2010. You may now call me Samoa. This was definitely a difficult decision (whoa..alliteration..) to make, but I feel like I made the right one. At first, I was debating whether or not to choose a panhellenic or religious one. but after an honest moment of weighing the pros and cons, and an intense night at community time (where we wrote down our fears and failures post-secret style)... I came to the conclusion that God could use me anywhere, and he wanted to use me at ADX. (the actual debate with myself between the sororities and the process as to how i came to this conclusion actually makes me smile..i should have written about it earlier!...maybe i will later).

i went home this past weekend for three days. i tried not to tell anyone so i could surprise them...but that plan failed because then they all made plans for the night. whoops. but i spent valentines day with two amazing friends, going to church and dinner...oh how i missed them.

i finally got to see my brother's new house. and when i walked into the bathroom, i was filled with memories. (...that sounds weird) it had pictures of when we were all younger, like this one:

and last but not least, i woke up this morning to a much needed text from an amazing, awesome, caring friend. i love her so much! (i blocked out the name..i don't know why, but just in case haha)

it's small things like these that remind me how much God has blessed me.

home is where the heart is...

i guess this means i've misplaced my heart.

(does this mean Jesus didn't have a heart?)

after one month i decided to return home.

and this past trip has got me a little confused.

i was so excited to go home, surprise friends, and just be where i belonged for so long. just be where i felt normal again.

but i got off the plane, drove to the house i've lived the last eighteen years of my life, and said to myself..."ok, now i want to go back." and it's weird, to think that i've been at Berkeley a month and yet feel as if this is where i'm supposed to be.

it's hard. to return to your "home" and not feel completely at home anymore. to hang out with your friends and know that these aren't the friends you see everyday, these aren't the friends you've been making new jokes with, spending time with. to have dinner with a parent and know that you won't be seeing her for a long time again.

to return to your old home life, and realize that this is your old life. it's not your life now.

but what makes this time more complicated is that i don't think of this place, Berkeley, as my home either. and that's simply because i haven't been here long enough and haven't truly adjusted yet. i've dived in, made friends, kept myself busy...but i still feel like i don't really belong yet.

i know i'm supposed to be here; whether i feel it is a different question.

FEAR.

I wrote this a couple days ago,

debated whether to put it up

and decided I shouldn't.

(But I did anyways.)

I sit here trying to block out

what is blocking my mind: FEAR.

But I concentrate. Because

I. AM. Just. Too. Scared.

F.

Feeling phony, forgetting who I am (who am I, anyways?), fearing lonely, finding myself a sham. Failing in faith, falling into what I hate...

E.

Even after I fail, you forgive me. How could you be so good?

I say I've had enough... But I haven't been doing what I should.

What happened to my backbone?

...Or have I just never really known where I stood?

A.

Anger. It courses through my veins because I'm just so ashamed of how fast I'm falling. I've lost sight of my aim, my goal, my calling. And I wanted to be admired, but trying to please people has gotten me burnt out, tired. What happened to that fire? That fire You placed in my heart? Now that I'm broken, has that too fallen a.p.a.r.t?

Or maybe I'm just alone in this dark.

R.

I rock back

and forth

between

what I know is right to do,

and the wrong that I actually do.

I was on a high, climbing to get higher, to reach the Most High...but I've slipped. And now I'm in a landslide.

The metaphor of my life? A rollercoaster ride.

And after this confession, the tears still run down my face

Because I. Am. Just. TOO. HUMAN.

And so it begins...

I was waiting for my first college picture to be a good one,

and here it is:

Were you expecting this?

First Impressions

Sometimes screw us up.

I'm quiet. I'm nice. I'm very calm. I'm a good girl.

These are the impressions I've made on those around me here at Cal.

Yet those things are not (necessarily) who I am.

Sometimes I wonder why people don't accept me, don't like me, or don't want me in their group. I think to myself, "If they just got to know me, their impression of me will change."

...They just don't understand me, that's all.

But as I think about it more, I don't think there's anything really wrong with me that prevents people from getting to know me here. There's no contagious disease that makes people stay away, no absurd quirks that turn people off. No, that's not it. They stay away because they don't think I'll accept them either.

And I think that says something about what the world thinks of Christians... that because we don't accept their lifestyle, we won't accept them. That we need to stay away from them in order to preserve our holiness, we need to remain in our safety so we'll continue to be set apart.

We do not want to conform to this world but in the process have swung the pendulum too far to the other side that we've suddenly separated us from the world.

This past week I've been challenged to integrate both my "christian" life and my "secular" life together. But it's been so hard. Why?

Because in order for people to listen to you, they need to accept you first.

My first week in college

went a little something like this:

- rode on public transportation for the first time! (I'm from SoCal. Don't judge.)

- went to class and noticed the deadly differences from high school classes.

- met Intervarsity Cal Christian Fellowship and became really excited for small groups.

- used a Guys Only stall in our co-ed bathroom without knowing that it was one.

- broke my umbrella because of the intense wind/rain

- bought a whole bunch of warm jackets because i was unprepared

- went to a frat party (HAHA!!)

- saw a couple enter a bathroom stall. Together.

- was stranded in San Francisco all by myself at night.

- realized that I am an adult now.

College Day ...#4?

I just realized this is my 5th day in college.

Bravo, Iana.

You'll do well this semester.

College Day #3

This is getting better.

But it's funny how quickly I can flow from one random group to another effortlessly, without feeling like I really fit in. I don't have a problem finding friends; it's finding the right friends that will need patience.

Regardless, I think it's here in the beginning stages of Cal life that my extroverted side shines.

But I've been realizing more and more the necessity of spending time alone. While putting myself out there to meet new people is exciting, being by myself is what keeps me sane. And most of all, it allows me time to be alone with God. To sit back, reflect on my day, and see the ways God has blessed me, challenged me, and loved me today. And my Cal life, although full of new friends, harder classes, and areas of exploration, must be centered around these times with God.

I need to remember that, as I take on this next stage of my life, I shouldn't fit time with God into my schedule, like it's an appointment or anything. Because then it gets burdensome...another thing to check off the list, something to be done with quickly so I can get to bed. Rather, I should make my schedule work around having time with God.

God, keep me in You.

College Day #2.

Slowly, slowly.

Slowly, I'm getting used to "my new life."

God, use me. Break me. Then mold me. And make me.

You have put me in this new situation to change me.

So strengthen me. Work in me. Keep me focused on You.

Help me to love it here; simply because you called me here.

I'm anxious. Forgive me for worrying about college, friends, and classes.

Remind me of Matthew 6.

Never let me forget that You are here. WITH ME.

Take my hands and make them clean

Keep my heart in purity

That I may walk in all You have for me

...

Oh for all the sons and daughters
Who are walking in the darkness
You are calling us to lead them back to You
We will see Your spirit rising
As the lost come out of hiding
Every heart will see this hope we have in You

College Day #1

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

I have never felt so lost and alone in my entire life.

And I'm scared, unable to focus, and just plain overwhelmed.

I know these are normal feelings when entering college... but that doesn't diminish the fact that I still have them.

But then I see this:

and feel better. a lot better.

If these people have faith in me, I should have faith in myself.

Or better yet, faith in God.

That He put me here for a reason, for his purpose, to do his work.

It's the first day. Things are bound to get better. I just need time to acclimate and adjust.

"You're in a new situation so you can become new and changed, to be made in the image of Christ. Unless you are the image of Christ today, you will be constantly changing." - Louie Giglio

This is just the beginning.

Moving on.

It's weird

to think my life here won't be my life anymore.

To sit in my bedroom, unshared with anyone,

and think I won't be sleeping here every day.

To hang out with my close friends,

and think that they won't be the ones I'll see every week.

To go to Berkeley,

and think, "This is my life now."

And yes, I'll return to this bedroom and sleep here. But it's not where I live anymore.

And yes, I'll hang out with my "old" (how wrong it is to use that word) friends. But they're not the friends I need to make here [at Berkeley].

And yes, I'll come back home. But only to leave again.

It's weird to really, truly understand that

"things will never be the same."

Here I Am.

Here I am;

finished with the most intense, life-changing year I've ever had;

conscious of the fact that my childhood and my high school life are no longer applicable;

seeing 2009 as a year of unbelievable testing, struggle, realization, understanding, and essentially unmeasurable growth.

Here I am,

understanding that although 2009 is finished,

I am not finished with it.

I wish so much that I began this blog earlier so that I could see my pains and struggles, my horrible and broken self in written form

...and praise God with even more joy than that which is already in my heart for every single prayer he has answered, every lesson he has taught me, every struggle of which he brought me out, every blessing he has showered on me. I look back on 2009, rejoicing in all the badbecause I see the light of the glories of God that have overshadowed them.

As I reflect on last year, I see more and more how God has worked in my life, and I am not finished (nor do I think I truly will ever be finished) realizing ...everything He has done for me just last year alone.

So, here I am,

exactly one week away from beginning the college life,

a good first week's start into the new year,

reflecting on how God has worked in my life,

here I am now asking God to work through my life.

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned,

In awe of the one who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered,

All I am is yours.