For lack of a better post.

i wanted to post something uplifting to everyone,

but i couldn't think of anything.

so here you go instead:

HAAA.

This would have been super awkward

if it was written by anyone else than the one who wrote it.

Paul's Words

I can only hope someone can say this to me:

"I said before that you are in our hearts,

and we live or die together with you.

I have the highest confidence in you,

and I take great pride in you.

You have greatly encouraged me

and made me happy despite all our troubles."

- II Corinthians 7:3b-4.

CHRISTOPHERBRIANWONG.

MADE MY WEEEK.

I FREAKING LOVE YOU.

The Truth Hurts.

ChristopherWong.

Yes, I have dedicated a post to you.

BECAUSE I WANT MY KITKAT.

Confessions.

St. Augustine wrote:

"I had prayed to you for chastity and said 'Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.' For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure met too soon of the disease of lust, which I wanted satisfied, not quelled."

- Confessions, Book 8 Chapter 7

This quote convicted me like nothing else has in a long time.

There are so many things in my life that cause me to sin, and I know I should stop and keep away from them... that I should give them to God.

I tell myself, promise myself that I'll be done doing this or that sinful thing.

But only after I keep doing it for a little more, or after this set date, or when I decide to do this.

Cause, like Paul,

I don't really understand myself,

for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it.

Instead, I do what I hate.

Gandhi.

"Gandhi felt fascinated at knowing Christ.

He met Christians, and felt let down."

- Mother Teresa

OH SNAP.

vday!

i've decided to write two posts: the previous to keep track of what has been going on in my mind, and now this post to relay what has happened in my life! this one's simpler.

so, I've officially joined a sorority as of February 7, 2010. You may now call me Samoa. This was definitely a difficult decision (whoa..alliteration..) to make, but I feel like I made the right one. At first, I was debating whether or not to choose a panhellenic or religious one. but after an honest moment of weighing the pros and cons, and an intense night at community time (where we wrote down our fears and failures post-secret style)... I came to the conclusion that God could use me anywhere, and he wanted to use me at ADX. (the actual debate with myself between the sororities and the process as to how i came to this conclusion actually makes me smile..i should have written about it earlier!...maybe i will later).

i went home this past weekend for three days. i tried not to tell anyone so i could surprise them...but that plan failed because then they all made plans for the night. whoops. but i spent valentines day with two amazing friends, going to church and dinner...oh how i missed them.

i finally got to see my brother's new house. and when i walked into the bathroom, i was filled with memories. (...that sounds weird) it had pictures of when we were all younger, like this one:

and last but not least, i woke up this morning to a much needed text from an amazing, awesome, caring friend. i love her so much! (i blocked out the name..i don't know why, but just in case haha)

it's small things like these that remind me how much God has blessed me.

home is where the heart is...

i guess this means i've misplaced my heart.

(does this mean Jesus didn't have a heart?)

after one month i decided to return home.

and this past trip has got me a little confused.

i was so excited to go home, surprise friends, and just be where i belonged for so long. just be where i felt normal again.

but i got off the plane, drove to the house i've lived the last eighteen years of my life, and said to myself..."ok, now i want to go back." and it's weird, to think that i've been at Berkeley a month and yet feel as if this is where i'm supposed to be.

it's hard. to return to your "home" and not feel completely at home anymore. to hang out with your friends and know that these aren't the friends you see everyday, these aren't the friends you've been making new jokes with, spending time with. to have dinner with a parent and know that you won't be seeing her for a long time again.

to return to your old home life, and realize that this is your old life. it's not your life now.

but what makes this time more complicated is that i don't think of this place, Berkeley, as my home either. and that's simply because i haven't been here long enough and haven't truly adjusted yet. i've dived in, made friends, kept myself busy...but i still feel like i don't really belong yet.

i know i'm supposed to be here; whether i feel it is a different question.

FEAR.

I wrote this a couple days ago,

debated whether to put it up

and decided I shouldn't.

(But I did anyways.)

I sit here trying to block out

what is blocking my mind: FEAR.

But I concentrate. Because

I. AM. Just. Too. Scared.

F.

Feeling phony, forgetting who I am (who am I, anyways?), fearing lonely, finding myself a sham. Failing in faith, falling into what I hate...

E.

Even after I fail, you forgive me. How could you be so good?

I say I've had enough... But I haven't been doing what I should.

What happened to my backbone?

...Or have I just never really known where I stood?

A.

Anger. It courses through my veins because I'm just so ashamed of how fast I'm falling. I've lost sight of my aim, my goal, my calling. And I wanted to be admired, but trying to please people has gotten me burnt out, tired. What happened to that fire? That fire You placed in my heart? Now that I'm broken, has that too fallen a.p.a.r.t?

Or maybe I'm just alone in this dark.

R.

I rock back

and forth

between

what I know is right to do,

and the wrong that I actually do.

I was on a high, climbing to get higher, to reach the Most High...but I've slipped. And now I'm in a landslide.

The metaphor of my life? A rollercoaster ride.

And after this confession, the tears still run down my face

Because I. Am. Just. TOO. HUMAN.

And so it begins...

I was waiting for my first college picture to be a good one,

and here it is:

Were you expecting this?