First Impressions

Sometimes screw us up.

I'm quiet. I'm nice. I'm very calm. I'm a good girl.

These are the impressions I've made on those around me here at Cal.

Yet those things are not (necessarily) who I am.

Sometimes I wonder why people don't accept me, don't like me, or don't want me in their group. I think to myself, "If they just got to know me, their impression of me will change."

...They just don't understand me, that's all.

But as I think about it more, I don't think there's anything really wrong with me that prevents people from getting to know me here. There's no contagious disease that makes people stay away, no absurd quirks that turn people off. No, that's not it. They stay away because they don't think I'll accept them either.

And I think that says something about what the world thinks of Christians... that because we don't accept their lifestyle, we won't accept them. That we need to stay away from them in order to preserve our holiness, we need to remain in our safety so we'll continue to be set apart.

We do not want to conform to this world but in the process have swung the pendulum too far to the other side that we've suddenly separated us from the world.

This past week I've been challenged to integrate both my "christian" life and my "secular" life together. But it's been so hard. Why?

Because in order for people to listen to you, they need to accept you first.

My first week in college

went a little something like this:

- rode on public transportation for the first time! (I'm from SoCal. Don't judge.)

- went to class and noticed the deadly differences from high school classes.

- met Intervarsity Cal Christian Fellowship and became really excited for small groups.

- used a Guys Only stall in our co-ed bathroom without knowing that it was one.

- broke my umbrella because of the intense wind/rain

- bought a whole bunch of warm jackets because i was unprepared

- went to a frat party (HAHA!!)

- saw a couple enter a bathroom stall. Together.

- was stranded in San Francisco all by myself at night.

- realized that I am an adult now.

College Day ...#4?

I just realized this is my 5th day in college.

Bravo, Iana.

You'll do well this semester.

College Day #3

This is getting better.

But it's funny how quickly I can flow from one random group to another effortlessly, without feeling like I really fit in. I don't have a problem finding friends; it's finding the right friends that will need patience.

Regardless, I think it's here in the beginning stages of Cal life that my extroverted side shines.

But I've been realizing more and more the necessity of spending time alone. While putting myself out there to meet new people is exciting, being by myself is what keeps me sane. And most of all, it allows me time to be alone with God. To sit back, reflect on my day, and see the ways God has blessed me, challenged me, and loved me today. And my Cal life, although full of new friends, harder classes, and areas of exploration, must be centered around these times with God.

I need to remember that, as I take on this next stage of my life, I shouldn't fit time with God into my schedule, like it's an appointment or anything. Because then it gets burdensome...another thing to check off the list, something to be done with quickly so I can get to bed. Rather, I should make my schedule work around having time with God.

God, keep me in You.

College Day #2.

Slowly, slowly.

Slowly, I'm getting used to "my new life."

God, use me. Break me. Then mold me. And make me.

You have put me in this new situation to change me.

So strengthen me. Work in me. Keep me focused on You.

Help me to love it here; simply because you called me here.

I'm anxious. Forgive me for worrying about college, friends, and classes.

Remind me of Matthew 6.

Never let me forget that You are here. WITH ME.

Take my hands and make them clean

Keep my heart in purity

That I may walk in all You have for me

...

Oh for all the sons and daughters
Who are walking in the darkness
You are calling us to lead them back to You
We will see Your spirit rising
As the lost come out of hiding
Every heart will see this hope we have in You

College Day #1

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

I have never felt so lost and alone in my entire life.

And I'm scared, unable to focus, and just plain overwhelmed.

I know these are normal feelings when entering college... but that doesn't diminish the fact that I still have them.

But then I see this:

and feel better. a lot better.

If these people have faith in me, I should have faith in myself.

Or better yet, faith in God.

That He put me here for a reason, for his purpose, to do his work.

It's the first day. Things are bound to get better. I just need time to acclimate and adjust.

"You're in a new situation so you can become new and changed, to be made in the image of Christ. Unless you are the image of Christ today, you will be constantly changing." - Louie Giglio

This is just the beginning.

Moving on.

It's weird

to think my life here won't be my life anymore.

To sit in my bedroom, unshared with anyone,

and think I won't be sleeping here every day.

To hang out with my close friends,

and think that they won't be the ones I'll see every week.

To go to Berkeley,

and think, "This is my life now."

And yes, I'll return to this bedroom and sleep here. But it's not where I live anymore.

And yes, I'll hang out with my "old" (how wrong it is to use that word) friends. But they're not the friends I need to make here [at Berkeley].

And yes, I'll come back home. But only to leave again.

It's weird to really, truly understand that

"things will never be the same."

Here I Am.

Here I am;

finished with the most intense, life-changing year I've ever had;

conscious of the fact that my childhood and my high school life are no longer applicable;

seeing 2009 as a year of unbelievable testing, struggle, realization, understanding, and essentially unmeasurable growth.

Here I am,

understanding that although 2009 is finished,

I am not finished with it.

I wish so much that I began this blog earlier so that I could see my pains and struggles, my horrible and broken self in written form

...and praise God with even more joy than that which is already in my heart for every single prayer he has answered, every lesson he has taught me, every struggle of which he brought me out, every blessing he has showered on me. I look back on 2009, rejoicing in all the badbecause I see the light of the glories of God that have overshadowed them.

As I reflect on last year, I see more and more how God has worked in my life, and I am not finished (nor do I think I truly will ever be finished) realizing ...everything He has done for me just last year alone.

So, here I am,

exactly one week away from beginning the college life,

a good first week's start into the new year,

reflecting on how God has worked in my life,

here I am now asking God to work through my life.

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned,

In awe of the one who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered,

All I am is yours.