Grace.

I've been wrestling with the Bible for, well, ever.

But in one of my deep, disappointed-with-God moments a few weeks ago, I turned to the Bible to find answers.

And it was quite a heart-wrenching shock to find that reading Romans didn't give me the peace I thought it would.

The peace that everyone says you get after reading the Bible when you've had a bad day.

In fact, I fell into this restless tornado of confusion that I have yet to get out of. And the question that has been nagging me for so long:

What is grace?

What does it mean exactly, to be saved by grace? What about mercy? What's the difference between grace and mercy, if any? What the heck is Romans 5 even about? And most importantly, what does this mean for me in my life right now, for my familial situation, for my struggling with doubts and beliefs?

Maybe I'm looking for a set definition of grace, and there just isn't one.

I understand that, because Christ died for us, we are not subject to the law, and therefore have grace, which is a righteousness that compels us to do what He asks because of what He did.

Or maybe I don't.

Maybe I see the logical intricacies of it, but don't believe it. Don't really, truly understand.

Or maybe I have the whole thing wrong and don't understand what grace is.

Either way, I know I haven't got it figured out. And this struggle compels me to continue searching for the Truth. Thank God I don't give up so quickly.

New Lessons.

I feel like God has been teaching me a lot these past few weeks.

Yet the more I learn about myself and about God, the increase in the number of questions that tag along.

- I've realized that I have put my trust in the wrong things. But what should I put my trust in? And how do I do it?

- I've realized that I may be undergoing what St. John of the Cross termed "the dark night." But what do I do now? Where do I go from here?

When I feel like I've finally firmed my relationship with Him, He pulls the rug out from under me, shakes me, and reminds me that the search for the narrow gate isn't easy. Reminds me that I'll never figure Him out. Reminds me that I'll always be struggling.

The J side of me finds it hard to come to terms with that uncompromising fact.

An Attitude Change.

I turned in my first college paper today.

Four pages of my genius written in an hour and a half of class time. As you can tell, I have come to gloat about my triumph. Just kidding.

But in the paper we had to compare and contrast two poems (thank you Mrs. Malott!). I chose "One Art," which is about a woman who denies that the loss of a loved one is difficult, and "Desert Places" (I absolutely love Robert Frost by the way), in which the speaker deals with his sense of loneliness. Unlike the woman in the first poem, the speaker in the latter accepts his situation without reluctance.

I basically pointed out that there are some things in life that are inevitable (such as someone dying or feeling alone) ...that will happen whether you like it or not. what determines how the outcome will be is in the attitude with which you respond.

Which got me thinking.

There are so many things in our lives that we choose to deny because the pain just sucks so much, or we don't want to be in a certain situation and begin hating it. And yet, no one said life was going to be easy. The guy in the latter poem...he knew this loneliness was inescapable, that sometimes, you can search for something and not find because, well, you're meant to feel that suffering. So he accepted it. He hated it, but he still submitted because he couldn't change his circumstances. And although he was still lonely, there was a tone of peace and calm.

Continuing with this whole transition phase, I've been feeling alone and depressed for a while now...and in an attempt to change my current situation, i've been in a constant search to make close friends. but for the last couple months i have significantly failed. don't get me wrong; i still have close friends here that i can talk to about anything, at any time. i simply mean that, at this point in time, i feel detached and apart from everyone else..and that's something i just can just wake up one morning and change. yet now i'm coming to accept that, yes, i am in a situation where i am alone, and though i've tried to change it, i can't. and maybe, instead of beating myself down for not succeeding, i should ask myself why. why am i in this situation right now? what's the point of my seclusion?

and i came to understand that this may not be the time for me to create friendships, but rather work on the ones i already have...most especially my relationship with Jesus. While it is a period of my life where i am seemingly detached from the rest of the world, it's not so much a time of seclusion as it is a chance for introspection.

while i may not be able to change certain situations in life, i can definitely change my attitude towards them.